omg lesson#100: how to find a domme on fetlife

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bloody hell, i have resisted writing this lesson for ages and ages. but i've been worn down. the question comes up relentlessly and i'm tired of answering it in post after post. i'm now just going to link to this lesson.

if you've decided you're going to focus all your efforts on using fetlife to find a domme, i gotta say, the odds are against you. not b/c of some fucking ratio nonsense or anything like that.

dating is hard. finding a compatible partner is harder. finding a compatible kinky partner is hardest.

this should not come as a surprise. and wading through kinky waters...well the pool is that much smaller. kinky people make up anywhere from 10-33% of the general population. and within that small kinky pool, there's a hell of a lot of kinds of kink and not everyone practices d/s and for those that do, it skews heavily to male doms/female subs. so understand the context.

i, for one, would not limit myself solely to fet. i would peek under every rock, join every fucking free dating app, go to wherever the kinksters are, and do my best to make a good first impression every time.

so for all those who say they are looking for a female dominant, i ask you: what are you doing to find one? if you're demonstrably not looking, she ain't going to land in your lap, show up at your doorstep magically, or be found behind your couch cushions. give your head a shake.

and while i make no promises or guarantees, if you do all of the following, you may have a fighting chance. and at the very least, you can say, you've been actively trying.

understand, you are the bait in our little adventure. you need to get her to notice your existence, get her interested, and get her to bite.

1. what is your online presence saying about you?

your profile, avatar and pic gallery is the equivalent of your physical presence. want to attract your demographic? be attractive to them. and what is attractive to men is not necessarily attractive to women.

2. what does your fet activity say about you?

are you here simply for the pix of hot sexy women? for the pix of chastity cages and cuckolding scenarios? all those loves for those pix making up the vast majority of your activity, will be a turn off. remember the small pool we talked about? you're making it smaller. you want to get noticed by dommes on fet? go where they are. focus on the f/m groups. lurk for a bit to get a sense of the group and start contributing once you feel comfortable.

3. are you cold messaging people?

while i would wildly and harshly denounce the practice unless you have a legit reason (and no, finding someone to dole out your fetishes to you is not a legit reason), i know you're gonna do it. so here's my advice to do it in a way that won't piss a domme off. i mean, you still might cuz you cold pm'd her. but that's the chance you're taking.

4. are you putting up ads in your local classifieds group?

again, i'm going to tell you that's a stupid ass idea. just like the cold messaging one. and yet, i know some of you are just going to do it. so if you are, here's some tips and tricks:

5. are you going to where the dommes are at?

fet has this great feature called the 'events' tab. it's right at the very top of the page. use it. find events you'd like to attend. and you know what's another great feature? they show you, right on the events page, who's going. now, events are generally not meat markets and hook up places. but they are great for connecting with kinksters and meeting them.

6. what are you really looking for?

yes, i know we started with looking for a domme. but that's just saying, 'i'm looking for a woman'. what are you looking for? a woman to fuck? a woman to engage in kinky play with? a woman to date and maybe develop an ltr with? what is the end goal here?

now, if you say, training or mentoring, i'm going to slap you upside the head...virtually speaking.

so just shut the fuck up about training and mentoring. most of us dommes roll our eyes when we see that in a profile, an ad or a post. we turn off.

and no, we don't all live to take some rando, under our wing, and teach him what's what. stop asking us to take pity on you. we won't.

7. don't fuck up the first impression.

if you list all your fetishes and nothing but your fetishes and/or how you want us to dispense your fetishes to you, we call you:

lesson#4: the do me sub (or men who ruin it for other male subs)

again, don't fuck up the first impression.

well, i know you're asking, 'what can i say, smg?' and here's the thing:

lesson#5: how to be the bestest sub ever

make a good fucking first impression.

8. are you actually submissive?

i should have started here but i likely would have lost you. so here's the thing. there are fetishists, bottoms, subs, and everything in between. there is nothing wrong with getting turned on by consensual kinky shit. but there is something wrong with pulling a bait and switch. saying you're one thing and then asking for another is deceitful, rude and will kill the whole enterprise. don't fucking do it.

self reflection and self awareness are a big deal. knowing what you want and offering that is important. and only you can determine what it is you want.

9. who should you be wary of?

listen, coming out as a newb or making yourself prey for others is a risk of focusing on fetlife. honestly, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.

10. are you complaining that fetlife won't let you search by filtered criteria?

fuck off with that noise. fet is not a dating site. it can help facilitate connections but see points 1-7? you need to implement all of those for fet to help you meet people and potential partners. if you want a shortcut and there is a shortcut, it will cost you:

like i said, dating is hard. what you're looking for, is even harder. but if you want to put the time and effort in (and i think we do for things that are important to us and that we really want) we just may be rewarded.

and if you just want a dating site, try okcupid. they allow kinky people and they allow for kinky questions.

fet is a long game with multiple levels. if you're just going to enter the game and then drop your controller upon entry, well, you'll never get past level 1. find an easier game.


Mar 2, 2020

Comments

  1. SubbySobaJuly 18, 2021 at 10:16 AM

    Hey SMG! I'm a new sub type male and I just wanted to say that I love your writing. It's extremely useful!

    ReplyDelete

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