omg lesson#4: the do me sub (or men who ruin it for actual male submissives)

i know that many female dominants complain of the "do me" sub: that special brand of kinky male who invades the inboxes of female dominants with alarming frequency and expresses exactly and often in great detail, how they'd like us to dispense all their fetishes and kinks. and entirely miss the point about being, you know, submissive to a domme.

i don't think there's a discussion in any of the femdom groups that i'm a member of, that goes by where the 'do me sub' isn't referenced at some point. they are ubiquitous...wherever male subs and female doms gather, they are there, rearing their heads and telling us how it should all be. my first hand experiences used to frustrate me and now are simply distasteful and ugly.

first off, there are no stepford dommes that look and sound like your porntastic fantasies...except in porn. or they're going to cost you a pretty penny.

secondly, dominants are people first. they don't actually sit idly by waiting for a submissive man to call them up to perform. we're not here for your amusement and entertainment. we're people and just like all people, we have needs and wants and desires of our own.

we care for our submissives in many different ways and wish to make them happy. but like in any relationship, that comes with time, and communication and a bunch of boring stuff that has nothing AND everything, to do with kink. we get into relationships with people we like. and the kink often comes after - not before. unless you're doing pick up play. and even then, you're going to be negotiating for what you want and what you're willing to give as 2 people.

so what characterizes the 'do me sub'? this is by no means, an exhaustive list but i think i've highlighted the important bits. feel free to add your spotting guidelines in the comments below:

• their desires, kinks and fetishes come first and no others are entertained. after all, a dom should want to be served the way he'd like to serve her. how she might like to be served is not even a question.
• their do me wish list is in their intro message to a dom they like the look of. or who simply labeled herself a dom. they haven't actually read her profile to ensure there might be some compatible interests and things to work with. it doesn't even matter if she says she's not looking. she said she's a dom so of course, she wants to read all your wank fantasies in great detail.
• they whine incessantly about why it's so hard to find a dom that looks like a dom [from his fave porn], and acts like a dom [from his fave porn], and treats him like a dom [from his fave porn]. why don't they follow the script [in his head]? they complain loudly/often there are no REAL doms.
• when they actually have a real live dom talking with them, and she's talking like a normal human being, they throw out the ever-so-kind, you're not a REAL dom b/c she doesn't meet his fantasy.
• they require a dom prove her dominance to them. if she is at all lacking when compared to either a pro domme they've sessioned with, or their porn fed dom fantasies, she's not a dom.

as i've said before, there are no stepford dommes. there are just people. who may or may not be compatible with each other. who communicate and negotiate and may or may not click. getting into any relationship, be it d/s or vanilla, requires a level of compromise on both parts. it's a dance...where the woman leads but it doesn't mean that you're not both responsible for the dance steps to make it work. there's an ebb and flow, a give and take, and a willingness to give yourself up to the dance.

dominants aren't interested in 'do me subs'. why? there's no actual submission on offer to her. but unfortunately, the loud do me sub, with all their falsehood, drowns out the quiet sincerity of actual submissive men.

Example of the ubiquitous 'do me' sub who actually gets to meet a female dominant - a funny short video that demonstrates the quintessential do me sub.

Nov 19, 2018