omg lessons

first off, i'm going to preface this by saying this is my opinion and my opinion only. i didn't consult with the domme collective and they have neither authorized nor sanctioned this advice. hell, they don't even know i'm writing this so don't tell them... i tend to get a lot of messages. not a lot, a lot but enough that i have replied to my fair share of "applicants". i am not actively looking for a sub play partner but if i was...and in response to the submissive men who keep asking, "how do i approach/write/reach out to a domme?", i'm going to give you a little advice on how you might craft a first message to me. but don't actually do it. cause i'm not looking. instead, use this advice for those that indicate they are looking. ok? you only have one, just one, opportunity to make a good first impression. don't blow it. think with your big head and not your little one. hold your over-eager, enthusiastic, excited little self bac

ok, i'm not going to lie. the male submissive profile is often considered a wasteland of question marks, porn dialogue and hot air. we dommes complain about it often (you know, at the domme borg collective meetings that don't exist and are ultra top secret....) we also complain about the male submissive photo galleries or online dating profile pix. b/c once you see a dick pic, all you think is, 'this one's a dick'. and move on. sad really. i often wonder about the untapped potential there, though. if you just presented your profile as if you actually liked yourself and were attractive and desirable as a mate/play partner/etc. you might actually get some mileage out of your profile. how does one do that, you ask? oh sit down, and let me tell you the ways... 1) put some care into choosing your dating handle. if it's graphic, porny, or otherwise offensive and designed to be so, you can bet...it's going to offend a lot of women. it's the first impression you

no one comes to kink knowing all the answers or how to do this stuff. so i can often feel compassion for the newbie male sub, finding his way and picking through porn that has fuelled fantasies which he's not been able to explore in real life. and i kinda think, patience. a little understanding. a little gentle nudge here and there, might help them navigate the kink waters a little better. but i'm beginning to lose my shit with the "cluelessness". getting worn down. getting frustrated. quite frankly, getting angry . and that bothered me. b/c that's not me. i like to mentor. i like to help. i like to empower. i like to fix things. so i've been on a little road of self reflection about my inability to make a difference anymore. and then i came across a post by @MsVerijaa. she has oodles of experience and tends to be really practical about kinky people on both sides of the slash. it goes without saying, i respect her and take the time to read what she writes even

i know that many female dominants complain of the "do me" sub: that special brand of kinky male who invades the inboxes of female dominants with alarming frequency and expresses exactly and often in great detail, how they'd like us to dispense all their fetishes and kinks. and entirely miss the point about being, you know, submissive to a domme. i don't think there's a discussion in any of the femdom groups that i'm a member of, that goes by where the 'do me sub' isn't referenced at some point. they are ubiquitous...wherever male subs and female doms gather, they are there, rearing their heads and telling us how it should all be. my first hand experiences used to frustrate me and now are simply distasteful and ugly. first off, there are no stepford dommes that look and sound like your porntastic fantasies...except in porn. or they're going to cost you a pretty penny. secondly, dominants are people first. they don't actually sit idly by wai

i read a lot of posts from male s-types who are without a dominant but want to know what they can work on to be the best sub ever or to make them more attractive as a submissive to a female dom. first off, forget about being the best submissive for every domme b/c that doesn't exist. every dominant is going to want different things from their subs. some will want sexual stuff. some will want anticipatory service. some will hate all of that. some will want pretty eye candy they can objectify. some will hate subs with beards. some will want a romantic partner. some will want just a play partner. there is no one universal set of criteria that will make you please every domme. and that's ok. instead, for today's lesson, i'd like to focus on you as a person and as a submissive. what can you do to be more attractive as a submissive partner? and here, i'm focusing on the partner bit b/c there are some things that every good partner should consider developing (if they aren

allow me to set the scene. you're a man looking for his first or maybe second opportunity to play with a dominant. you've been chatting online and the messages have been such a turn on. and now, you've arranged to meet. you can't wait. you are physically thrumming with anticipation. this is going to be good. soooo good . you can't wait. you've agreed to all the requirements b/c you are so damn excited. ooohhh yes. you are kneeling and waiting at the appointed hour by the door. you've put on the blindfold and gag and cuffs just as instructed on the last email you received. you can barely contain yourself as you kneel and wait. you hear the door open. you can't say anything b/c of the gag but you try to mumble, "hello mistress". it comes out something like "rrrmmhmmss". no matter. she knows what you mean. you feel her hands on yours, checking the wrist restraints are good and tight and that you can't get out. she checks the gag to m

so you're interested in bdsm or kink or some kind of fetish and are curious to try something. you don't know what that is and you may have watched some porn that turned you on and you're all excited and thrilled and anxious and unsure. that's ok. we all started somewhere, too. the thing is, there are plenty of things you can do to explore and there are some things that you should clear up for yourself before engaging too heavily into things without having some understanding of what it is you are getting into. what do you need to know? 1) consent is everything understand what consent is. if you don't, or are unsure, educate ourself on it and how it is applied to kink. this will help you: lesson#12 on consent. 2) safety safety safety understand that while you have stars in your eyes, the best advocate for keeping yourself safe, is you . other people are not responsible for keeping you safe. and given the dangerous aspects of kink (and there are many), understand what

Kinky Anatomy 101 – the quick crash-course in parts of the body for impact play consideration. http://www.devianceanddesire.com/2014/12/bdsm-impact-play-safe-zones/ Green - safe zones Yellow - low risk zones (be cautious) Orange - high risk zones  (anything more than a slight slap can be dangerous since there important bones, nerves, & organs w/ little protection here) Pink - don't fucking go here! being the ethical sadist i am, i am constantly researching anatomy and trying to find good advice on how to really play as safely as possible...and still, you know, get to unleash some of my twisted and perverse fantasies out on someone :) it's a thankless job but someone's gotta do it. well, i have to b/c i'm a responsible dominant and that's me being responsible... i am fortunate to know a couple of medical professionals that i can ask a random question of (but not too many lest they grow suspicious) and i have a sub who used to be an emt. but most of my research i

i know you're thinking this sounds like a boring topic... but negotiation is probably at the root of getting allll the kinky play you want and maybe the play you didn't even know you wanted or was even possible. do it well? you'll likely have a memorable experience you'll want to repeat, revel and delight in, and brag about to all your kinky friends.  do it badly and you may never play again. it's a difficult subject b/c a simple lesson like this can get mired in the various ways that people like to negotiate and different communication styles. so i'm not going to tell you how to negotiate, per se. that's a pretty personal thing that you develop over time with experience and learn from others. what i am going to do is lay some of the basics down to keep in mind/remember. it's by no means a complete guide. but as a set of helpful tips and tricks, perhaps, just perhaps, it can tell the little head to STFU for a moment, so the big head can do the work on be

first off, no one gets something for nothing. whether it's cold hard cash, an emotional investment, or putting yourself out there over and over again, it takes energy and effort to get what you want. things just don't 'land in your lap' or 'appear at your door' without some kind of action (or series of actions) on your part. secondly, many people understand that the various social aspects of kink (munches, play parties, conferences, dungeons, and the like) can be difficult to navigate, break into, and actually excel at. there is real social anxiety, social awkwardness, social fear...and i'm not trying to minimize that in any way. however, if you want to hide behind those fears, that awkwardness, that anxiety - that's your prerogative. it is a choice to do nothing. and you lose the right, imho, to complain how the fact that you do nothing, results in nothing. (and yes, posting an ad/profile on fetlife is basically doing nothing). if you don't get any

this is a companion piece to lesson#10: getting play when you're socially awkward. we often talk about getting out from behind the keyboard and out of your parents' basement and into the great real live kinky world out in the great blue yonder. but...i understand that for many, social anxiety, finding partners, being open about being kinky, can be a tricky, difficult, worrisome challenge. i've written about it b/c it affects quite a few people i know and i try really hard to not only understand their pov but also to support people in taking those steps to get themselves some kinky happy. omg lesson #10   talks about this at length, i hope, from a positive perspective about how to get your kink on when you have other challenges to finding partners. i'm not a coddler. but i do like to be helpful. and i'm always on the look out for options. and then i came across a lovely thread on solo play and thought, et voila! a chance for some people who may not be ready to move f

only a freely given, enthusiastic 'yes' is a yes. that is consent.   i often come across online groups talking about consent. and if you didn't already know, consent is kinda a big deal around kink. it makes what we do less assault and more like fun/sexy/cool. consensual kink is the ethical kind. of course, this is just my opinion. but it seems really odd to me, how people tend to obfuscate and try to make consent really difficult or tricky or complicated. they bring in situational ethics and questionable practices and ask  about 'where does one draw the line?' and should we be recording consent to 'protect ourselves?' i have some thoughts about this. probably some unpopular thoughts.  like, if you think someone is crazy and likely to fabricate lies and tell tall tales about your intimate times, maybe don't fuck crazy ? or if you don't know a person well enough to understand whether they are giving you enthusiastic consent or they are feeling coerced

too often, people come into the kink community assuming that this is a whole new world and that all the common sense and lived experiences they've already had no longer apply. that kink is a free for all of indiscriminate and easy sex and no one's gotta act like a civil, decent, human being. but i gotta tell you... all the things you learned about life and people, before you got here, are still relevant. kink people are still people first who just happen to be kinky. they are still looking to be treated with respect, kindness, dignity, and civility.  what you do within a negotiated dynamic may not resemble any of that 'civility' stuff we've gleaned in vanilla land. BUT that's only within a negotiated dynamic. otherwise, the common rules apply. the common rules of social good grace that you've hopefully learned in life in order to interact like a reasonable acceptable human being. when you're interacting online in kink spaces, think of it as just talking

people often talk about limits in relation to their own personal boundaries, no go areas, and possible cautious exploration with the right person. i think it's quite obvious that people have autonomy over their own bodies and what they will or will not tolerate, accept and/or participate in. it's all this consent culture we talk about endlessly really. healthy relationships include a few things imho: good, honest and open communication respected and understood boundaries enthusiastic and informed consent a sincere care for the other person your mileage may vary and all that. but i have lived my life and seen some shit. i think these are the things that stand up in vanilla and in kink. one of the things i really like about kink is the talk about limits. i could say boundaries but limits seems easier and rolls off the tongue a little better:) it's a pretty universally understood term in that it gives people pause. it immediately indicates a hand up, a stop, in a polite way. i

first off, saying you have 'no limits' is stupid and will ensure that almost no one takes you seriously. lesson#14 helps you with this. however, there are predators, abusers and scammers who rather love when they hit upon someone who says this. b/c that just means they've 'got a live one'. don't be that kind of fuckstick. what we do is inherently risky. we can have significant impacts on our mental, physical and emotional health. and being blindly ignorant or pretending that isn't the case is just dumb. and tells me, that you're not ready for kink. b/c honestly, if you can't be self aware enough to have not only considered your risk profile but also understand what risks you're willing to take and not take means you should go back home and hide under the bed and contemplate why the fuck you have no sense of self preservation. or better yet, educate yourself so i don't have to think of you as a fuckstick. just sayin'... b/c bdsm is not ab