omg lesson#11: who said i can't play with myself?

this is a companion piece to lesson#10: getting play when you're socially awkward.

we often talk about getting out from behind the keyboard and out of your parents' basement and into the great real live kinky world out in the great blue yonder. but...i understand that for many, social anxiety, finding partners, being open about being kinky, can be a tricky, difficult, worrisome challenge. i've written about it b/c it affects quite a few people i know and i try really hard to not only understand their pov but also to support people in taking those steps to get themselves some kinky happy.

omg lesson #10 talks about this at length, i hope, from a positive perspective about how to get your kink on when you have other challenges to finding partners.

i'm not a coddler. but i do like to be helpful.

and i'm always on the look out for options. and then i came across a lovely thread on solo play and thought, et voila! a chance for some people who may not be ready to move from beyond their keyboard or who may not feel safe enough to find a kinky partner just yet or who want to learn on their own first. there are many other reasons to try out solo play, as well and while it's never likely going to be as good as with someone else or never feel quite the same, there are certainly some things you can do if you're not willing to get out there or pay a pro. it's just another option to consider, imho.

keep in mind, safety is paramount. if you have medical conditions or anything that might suggest you shouldn't try any of these alone or you don't have the safety equipment or information to do any of these safely, don't fucking do it. your life is not worth a little kinky play. it's really not.

suggestions for solo kinky play:

1. wax play: wax play can be a mild type of sensation play. the further you hold the candle away from the skin, the cooler the wax is when it hits. testing it this way and slowly moving the candle closer is a way to gauge what temperature might work best for you. it can feel pleasurable, slightly painful, erotic, or just nicely warm. and different parts of your body may react differently to the heat. 

• practical & safety basics: use low temp non toxic wax, paraffin or soy is ideal. have something on hand to douse any flames used to warm the wax quickly - a fire extinguisher close by and wet towels, too. also, wherever you are going to drip wax on your body, make sure you oil yourself up (baby oil is great) b/c that shit is hard to get off otherwise. also prep the space b/c wax can get everywhere. you don't want melted wax on your carpet or your couch. ugh.

2. gags: gags can get you in a submissive mindset or you can just enjoy the feeling of being 'restricted' in some way and they are pretty easy to use. not all gags are created equal and there's many different types so check what ones you might like to try. not everyone can last for a long time in a gag so try for 5 mins and see how it goes. maybe you can last longer or not. that's ok. you can work up to it. or find you don't much like gags at all b/c of jaw fatigue. learn more about playing with gags in lesson#40. 

• practical & safety basics: start small and make sure you can breathe with the gag in place. if your breathing is impeded, adjust. it's not easy to find the right fit and better to keep the strap loose rather than tight, especially at first. be prepared to drool. a lot. and clean your gag thoroughly after use, please. don't share gags, btw. b/c eeww.

3. bondage w/ rope: self tying is totally a thing. and some people can absolutely love the feeling of the rope and being constricted or restricted in some way with a little bit of self tying. if you're into rope and want to try it, check out the duchy for the simple to the complex.

• practical & safety basics: keep safety shears on hand. select appropriate rope. and read the safety basics on the duchy. there are many ways you can hurt yourself, cause nerve damage and so on. start with simpler knots on things like your feet or legs. i can't say enough about safety so read up on it before attempting this. seriously. i'm not joking.

4. bondage w/ other stuff: my personal faves are a set of leather cuffs, chains and spreader bars. but hey, you do you. figure out what you like and try a few things out. i wouldn't use anything with keys or locks with solo play; just adjustable straps and carabiners to give you the feeling of constriction and restriction but allowing you to freely get out should you need to.

• practical & safety basics: don't go too tight with anything - circulation and nerves are things you want to make sure continue to work well :) make sure you can easily get out if you need to so avoid the locks (no matter how sexy you think they are). you might find weight can be an issue if you want to be 'secured' for a while so keep in mind that body exhaustion is a thing.

5. mummification: i like this too, more for aesthetic value than anything. but obviously, you're not going to be able to mummify your whole self. however, you could try doing just your legs or torso. it's the feeling of constriction and restriction that i'm told can be very peaceful and relaxing. people talk about saran wrap but personally, i go for poly you can get from shipping supply stores. just don't wrap too tight! and you can get pretty colours :)

• practical & safety basics: you're going to sweat. if you're wrapping up joints against each other (ie ankles and knees) you want to put a bit of padding between. i like using towels folded loosely and placed lengthwise but you could use other padding, too. have safety shears on hand always. and don't wrap too tight. i wouldn't use duct tape or anything in this case. the poly wrap will give you the feeling without going overboard, imho. and don't wrap your face, ok?

6. impact play: oooh one of my faves! self flagellation has been a thing for centuries. try a flogger on yourself, over the shoulder to hit your back. try whacking yourself with a cane along your thighs or arms (fatty parts of your body are best). using pervertables (like spatulas, wooden spoons, belts, etc) can be a great way to get a sense of different sensations/impact. you don't have to hit hard - just play to see how different kinds of pain feel and what you like or don't like.

• practical & safety basics: lesson#8: where can i hit safely is a good starting point to see where on the body you might direct your hits. be mindful of where you might be placing marks/bruises - some people bruise more easily than others. have a first aid kit but i wouldn't play so hard you break the skin. no one likes blood on their toys...well, i certainly don't. ymmv and all that.

7. nipple clamps & clothespins: you can use nipple clamps not just on your nipples :) be creative. clothespins work well (check out lesson#41) - the wooden ones are nicer; the plastic ones are vicious. you can run 'zippers' as well: a line of clothespins along the body with a string running through. when you pull the string...all the clothespins get yanked off like a zipper - fun, fun, fun!

• practical & safety basics: don't keep clamps on nipples too long. 10-15 mins max before giving them a bit of a break. it hurts way more when they come off...or so i'm told :)

8. using ice cubes creatively: i did a lesson (#42) on how i use ice cubes so i obviously have some thoughts on the subject :) but you can certainly adapt these to some solo play, too. 

• practical & safety basics: i'm not a fan of sticking up ice into orifices if you don't know the medical implications so i would avoid doing that till you read up on it and were playing safe. melting is a thing - be prepared for messiness. but it's only water :)

9. needle play: i'm sure you could do some needle play on yourself but i don't play that way so i know nothing. equipment costs & safety considerations are paramount in addition to keeping things sterile, etc. but it could be done if you wanted...take a kink class, read up, and ask questions from non fiction resources.

10. breath play: i love breath play. but i am going to say that you should never attempt breath play on your own. ever. never. unless you have a death wish. it's foolhardy and very edgy play. you know lots of people have died this way, right? don't do it. just don't, ok?

those are my suggestions but i'm sure there's more. it would be great to share other ideas and safety/practical info for those who might like to try some kinky play on their own so feel free to add comments!

and, no, i'm not suggesting solo play is a replacement for kinky play with a partner. but it can be helpful to learn about yourself, what you might like and give you an outlet or release for some of your kinky desires while you're figuring out how to get a partner. there's no shame in it. and i think it might be fun....if you're into that kind of thing. i like the 'doing this to others part' and not having it done to me...but, i know there are many a male sub and male bottom looking for this kind of stuff. being the helpful person i am, i thought i'd share :) i hope others will as well...

Jul 31, 2019