omg lessons

no one comes to kink knowing all the answers or how to do this stuff. so i can often feel compassion for the newbie male sub, finding his way and picking through porn that has fuelled fantasies which he's not been able to explore in real life. and i kinda think, patience. a little understanding. a little gentle nudge here and there, might help them navigate the kink waters a little better. but i'm beginning to lose my shit with the "cluelessness". getting worn down. getting frustrated. quite frankly, getting angry . and that bothered me. b/c that's not me. i like to mentor. i like to help. i like to empower. i like to fix things. so i've been on a little road of self reflection about my inability to make a difference anymore. and then i came across a post by @MsVerijaa. she has oodles of experience and tends to be really practical about kinky people on both sides of the slash. it goes without saying, i respect her and take the time to read what she writes even...

i know that many female dominants complain of the "do me" sub: that special brand of kinky male who invades the inboxes of female dominants with alarming frequency and expresses exactly and often in great detail, how they'd like us to dispense all their fetishes and kinks. and entirely miss the point about being, you know, submissive to a domme. i don't think there's a discussion in any of the femdom groups that i'm a member of, that goes by where the 'do me sub' isn't referenced at some point. they are ubiquitous...wherever male subs and female doms gather, they are there, rearing their heads and telling us how it should all be. my first hand experiences used to frustrate me and now are simply distasteful and ugly. first off, there are no stepford dommes that look and sound like your porntastic fantasies...except in porn. or they're going to cost you a pretty penny. secondly, dominants are people first. they don't actually sit idly by wai...

i read a lot of posts from male s-types who are without a dominant but want to know what they can work on to be the best sub ever or to make them more attractive as a submissive to a female dom. first off, forget about being the best submissive for every domme b/c that doesn't exist. every dominant is going to want different things from their subs. some will want sexual stuff. some will want anticipatory service. some will hate all of that. some will want pretty eye candy they can objectify. some will hate subs with beards. some will want a romantic partner. some will want just a play partner. there is no one universal set of criteria that will make you please every domme. and that's ok. instead, for today's lesson, i'd like to focus on you as a person and as a submissive. what can you do to be more attractive as a submissive partner? and here, i'm focusing on the partner bit b/c there are some things that every good partner should consider developing (if they aren...

allow me to set the scene. you're a man looking for his first or maybe second opportunity to play with a dominant. you've been chatting online and the messages have been such a turn on. and now, you've arranged to meet. you can't wait. you are physically thrumming with anticipation. this is going to be good. soooo good . you can't wait. you've agreed to all the requirements b/c you are so damn excited. ooohhh yes. you are kneeling and waiting at the appointed hour by the door. you've put on the blindfold and gag and cuffs just as instructed on the last email you received. you can barely contain yourself as you kneel and wait. you hear the door open. you can't say anything b/c of the gag but you try to mumble, "hello mistress". it comes out something like "rrrmmhmmss". no matter. she knows what you mean. you feel her hands on yours, checking the wrist restraints are good and tight and that you can't get out. she checks the gag to m...

Kinky Anatomy 101 – the quick crash-course in parts of the body for impact play consideration. http://www.devianceanddesire.com/2014/12/bdsm-impact-play-safe-zones/ Green - safe zones Yellow - low risk zones (be cautious) Orange - high risk zones  (anything more than a slight slap can be dangerous since there important bones, nerves, & organs w/ little protection here) Pink - don't fucking go here! being the ethical sadist i am, i am constantly researching anatomy and trying to find good advice on how to really play as safely as possible...and still, you know, get to unleash some of my twisted and perverse fantasies out on someone :) it's a thankless job but someone's gotta do it. well, i have to b/c i'm a responsible dominant and that's me being responsible... i am fortunate to know a couple of medical professionals that i can ask a random question of (but not too many lest they grow suspicious) and i have a sub who used to be an emt. but most of my research i ...

first off, no one gets something for nothing. whether it's cold hard cash, an emotional investment, or putting yourself out there over and over again, it takes energy and effort to get what you want. things just don't 'land in your lap' or 'appear at your door' without some kind of action (or series of actions) on your part. secondly, many people understand that the various social aspects of kink (munches, play parties, conferences, dungeons, and the like) can be difficult to navigate, break into, and actually excel at. there is real social anxiety, social awkwardness, social fear...and i'm not trying to minimize that in any way. however, if you want to hide behind those fears, that awkwardness, that anxiety - that's your prerogative. it is a choice to do nothing. and you lose the right, imho, to complain how the fact that you do nothing, results in nothing. (and yes, posting an ad/profile on fetlife is basically doing nothing). if you don't get any...

this is a companion piece to lesson#10: getting play when you're socially awkward. we often talk about getting out from behind the keyboard and out of your parents' basement and into the great real live kinky world out in the great blue yonder. but...i understand that for many, social anxiety, finding partners, being open about being kinky, can be a tricky, difficult, worrisome challenge. i've written about it b/c it affects quite a few people i know and i try really hard to not only understand their pov but also to support people in taking those steps to get themselves some kinky happy. omg lesson #10   talks about this at length, i hope, from a positive perspective about how to get your kink on when you have other challenges to finding partners. i'm not a coddler. but i do like to be helpful. and i'm always on the look out for options. and then i came across a lovely thread on solo play and thought, et voila! a chance for some people who may not be ready to move f...

people often talk about limits in relation to their own personal boundaries, no go areas, and possible cautious exploration with the right person. i think it's quite obvious that people have autonomy over their own bodies and what they will or will not tolerate, accept and/or participate in. it's all this consent culture we talk about endlessly really. healthy relationships include a few things imho: good, honest and open communication respected and understood boundaries enthusiastic and informed consent a sincere care for the other person your mileage may vary and all that. but i have lived my life and seen some shit. i think these are the things that stand up in vanilla and in kink. one of the things i really like about kink is the talk about limits. i could say boundaries but limits seems easier and rolls off the tongue a little better:) it's a pretty universally understood term in that it gives people pause. it immediately indicates a hand up, a stop, in a polite way. i...

first off, saying you have 'no limits' is stupid and will ensure that almost no one takes you seriously. lesson#14 helps you with this. however, there are predators, abusers and scammers who rather love when they hit upon someone who says this. b/c that just means they've 'got a live one'. don't be that kind of fuckstick. what we do is inherently risky. we can have significant impacts on our mental, physical and emotional health. and being blindly ignorant or pretending that isn't the case is just dumb. and tells me, that you're not ready for kink. b/c honestly, if you can't be self aware enough to have not only considered your risk profile but also understand what risks you're willing to take and not take means you should go back home and hide under the bed and contemplate why the fuck you have no sense of self preservation. or better yet, educate yourself so i don't have to think of you as a fuckstick. just sayin'... b/c bdsm is not ab...

you may have seen the questions and asks in various online groups: 'how do i train to be a good submissive?' or, the more ubiquitous, 'i'm looking for someone to train me to be a good submissive'. now some of those men are sincerely asking. are genuinely clueless. have heard about some mythical training and are seeking help. some are straight out wankers but i'm going to ignore those and try to help the ones who don't actually know. there is NO standard or recognized training program to be submissive. 'training' is just a kink. something fun and playful you and your partner can do. no kink shaming here. just a thing you might call a thing, to give it some more oomph . give it the right mental 'feel' that makes something seem 'hot' or 'arousing'. 'training' is not actually necessary to call yourself submissive. you didn't have to present a uni degree or certificate to select 'submissive' as an identifier did...

today boys and girls, we're going to talk about mentors. i read a lot online about people asking for mentors. someone to help them 'learn the ropes' as it were re: kink. however, when you read their questions a little more carefully, you get the distinct impression that they are using 'mentor' as a stand in for 'person who is experienced in kink, who will let me fuck them/play with them while i try my kink stuff out of them or i let them try their kink stuff out on me'. umm, no, grasshopper. that's not what a mentor is. men·tor  /ˈmenˌtôr,ˈmenˌtər/ an experienced and trusted adviser. advise or train (someone, especially a younger colleague). it's someone you can bounce ideas off of. ask how to approach something. learn about the thing you're thinking of doing by talking about it. maybe demonstrating it. not actually doing it to each other. now how would it have gone had you approached a worldly and wise, say, professor in uni to teach you about ...

now i do wish i could take credit for this lesson but alas, no. this was a comment made by @RunningTheShow (on fetlife) which was so articulate and so spot on, i asked if she would consider making it a writing so i could post it as a helpful link. she invited me to use the comment, instead, as i wished. so full credit to her for the following: many male subs come to fetlife thinking 'being online' takes the pressure off (meeting a domme). if i could get one piece of information out there to male subs it would be this: a shockingly high percentage of you are really bad at online interaction. you gravitate to the scammers and fin dommes because they talk dirty to you just like the pornos do. then you cry about how there are no lifestyle dommes. most of you seem totally unable to discern between a woman with compatible interests and a person who is scamming or selling sex. chasing every prostitute and pornographer account all over fet is a sign that you're in frenzy and not us...

recently, in a femdom group, i came across a question from a domme asking about s-type men's motivation for posting dick pix and most specifically dick pic avatars. several men responded with something similar to this poster: "Sadly it's the best we can do. Most folks here don't want to post face pics (for obvious reasons), and so are left with few options." seriously?!?!? what. the. fuck? sadly, i think plenty of men with the dick pix really believe this. and sure, you can believe whatever you'd like. you can post dick pic as avatars all the live long day on some sites b/c it's within their terms of reference. no one, i think, is saying you can't. the question is more why would you, if your intention is to attract a woman? if there are men that really feel that's the best they've got or that's the only option (other than a face pic), ok. that tells a woman that the men in question, lack: any level of creativity; the ability to think; the a...

first off, you know that fetlife is not a dating site, hook up site or whatever. it's the kinky facebook and so there are oodles of people who are on fet who don't want to fuck you, play with you, or have anything to do with you, right? and b/c you've accepted this reality, you're not one of the those twatwaffles who spams every profile you see of someone who labels as your ideal whatever. b/c you're not into negging, cajoling, or spamming and being a disrespectful asshat. right? glad to hear it. and i too, have accepted the reality that b/c classifieds are allowed on fetlife, some people, may in fact, meet a play partner, someone to fuck, date, hook up with or whatever on the site. more like resigned myself to this but let's not argue semantics, ok? and it's part of the reason i left - the demanding, insistent, relentless fuckbois, misogyny, and racism turned me off and away.  anyhoo, i used to be in a few groups on there and have seen some real idiotic dri...