omg lesson#17: a little something about seeking mentors

today boys and girls, we're going to talk about mentors.

i read a lot online about people asking for mentors. someone to help them 'learn the ropes' as it were re: kink.

however, when you read their questions a little more carefully, you get the distinct impression that they are using 'mentor' as a stand in for 'person who is experienced in kink, who will let me fuck them/play with them while i try my kink stuff out of them or i let them try their kink stuff out on me'.

umm, no, grasshopper. that's not what a mentor is.

men·tor 

/ˈmenˌtôr,ˈmenˌtər/
an experienced and trusted adviser.
advise or train (someone, especially a younger colleague).

it's someone you can bounce ideas off of. ask how to approach something. learn about the thing you're thinking of doing by talking about it. maybe demonstrating it. not actually doing it to each other.

now how would it have gone had you approached a worldly and wise, say, professor in uni to teach you about how to give a blow job? i think the women in the audience might know how that might go if the prof was a man and into younger chicks. why would you think it's any different asking a male dom to 'mentor you' in the ways of kink? particularly one who claims to like young newbies who are 'fresh off the boat' as it were? cuz that's the equivalent of what you're asking on here.

you, my little grasshopper, are what we call, 'fresh meat'.

if you really wanted to be mentored, you'd look for another submissive female and not a male dominant to teach you this shit. but...that's not really what you meant by 'mentored' right?

for the boys, b/c far be it from me to leave you out...when you say you're looking for a mentor, a domme to train you in all the kinky ways since you're new and all, it says one of 3 things:

• what you're saying to findommes and pay for play peeps: 

'i can tell him tributes are the way this type of dynamic works.' and it does work like that. for them.

• what you're saying to predators & scammers: 

'here lies scam bait. here is someone who is a hapless newb who will happily accept some outlandish and silly sexy porn tropey stuff b/c they know nothing and i can take advantage of their ignorance and naivete.'

• what you're saying to the lifestyle dommes who don't want any money for kinky play: 

'another wanker who wants me to teach them, educate them, and is incapable of being a functional adult and taking some ownership of their own learning. hard pass b/c they're not worth exploring as a potential partner of any kind.'

you, too, my little grasshoppers, are what we call 'scam bait' and 'fresh meat'.

b/c if you really wanted to be mentored, you'd look for other submissive men and not a female dominant to teach you this shit. but...again, that's not really what you meant by 'mentored' right?

i have said it often but apparently i can't say it often enough: you are responsible for your own education. for getting out and meeting kinksters and asking questions and reading non fiction about what it is you are interested in engaging in. fifty shades is fiction. it's not fucking realistic. porn is fiction. and is not fucking realistic.

people, in real life kink communities, can teach you a lot if you're willing to listen.

not get your kink on. not fuck around. but listen. watch. learn. and they will teach you plenty. or spend time in online groups where actual experienced kinksters will talk about practical considerations. how things are done. how you can approach different kinds of play. how to do this stuff.

and then, when you've gotten some education under your belt and understand why your initial approach for a mentor was hopelessly flawed and hopelessly stupid, it may finally be the right time for a mentor. although, frankly, i like having many people as sounding boards and consultants and advisors. b/c your style may not jive with a single person. your kinks may be all over the map.

it takes a village to raise a kinkster.

and that village can be fetlife. it can be your real life community. but don't just settle on one person's advice or influence at the start. you want the space and ability to flex your own kinky muscles. and the only way to do that safely, while maintaining your enthusiasm, and wonderment is to engage in that journey under your terms. not someone else's.

and if you really want to get laid or fuck or play or whatever, then ask for that and stop hiding behind the bullshit 'seeking mentor'. us experienced kinksters think it's a load of shite. or a chance to take advantage of you.

don't be shitty and don't let yourself be taken advantage of. just sayin'...

and for dominants looking for mentors?

you're looking for other dominants to train you, teach you, educate you. why would they? do they know you? like you? no? then make yourself likeable in the community and maybe we might take you under our wing. but we're not just looking for proteges. we're busy looking for subs. or playing with our subs. or fucking our subs. if we're into education, we're looking to educate the broader community. not some hapless newbie who stumbles towards us, entitled as fuck. do. not. be. that. person. please & thx.

Nov 2, 2019