omg lesson#14: on hard limits, soft limits, no limits

people often talk about limits in relation to their own personal boundaries, no go areas, and possible cautious exploration with the right person.

i think it's quite obvious that people have autonomy over their own bodies and what they will or will not tolerate, accept and/or participate in. it's all this consent culture we talk about endlessly really.

healthy relationships include a few things imho:

• good, honest and open communication
• respected and understood boundaries
• enthusiastic and informed consent
• a sincere care for the other person

your mileage may vary and all that. but i have lived my life and seen some shit. i think these are the things that stand up in vanilla and in kink.

one of the things i really like about kink is the talk about limits.

i could say boundaries but limits seems easier and rolls off the tongue a little better:) it's a pretty universally understood term in that it gives people pause. it immediately indicates a hand up, a stop, in a polite way. it's a very useful tool in my opinion.

i find it particularly useful when i bring up limits and how people respond to the concept and the word itself.

there are people who genuinely care about limits and take them seriously. to me, when someone uses 'hard limit' or 'soft limit' with me in negotiation, i immediately think, 'off limits'. i'm just not going to go there. if you choose to bring up a limit later, with a changed mindset, or further introspection or just a trust to have me try to push a limit, i'll entertain it based on you bringing it up. but i'm not pushing it on you. i'm not cajoling. i'm not trying to convince you that your limits are not reasonable, credible or worthy of being respected.

i'm grateful you have thought about your limits and can articulate them.

are there people that don't respect limits? feel they can get their way or convince you otherwise? push your limits? feel like limits are a challenge to be directly confronted head on or in manipulative or dishonest ways? sure there are. and how people react to your expressed limits; the behaviour they demonstrate with the little limits and boundaries you place; will often tell you a lot about how your limits will be treated during play and/or in a relationship, with that person. understand that. listen not only to the words they say but the actions they demonstrate.

now, some people think it's hot or cool or desirable to have their limits pushed and pulled in ways that make them feel they've given up all the control. i have seen that and can mostly understand that given the control freak that i am. my only caveat in that regard is to know who you are playing with and ensure that you truly can trust that person. it's edgier play for sure and can be awesome but you still need to think about those healthy relationship things i mentioned earlier...so while you are seeking danger and fear and an experience of truly letting go of all control, make sure you are in good hands.

unless of course, you're suicidal or unbalanced or have some kind of death wish. then all bets are off and this writing is not for you.

i do have an issue with the 'no limits' people.

to me, that's not good, honest, open communication. and i can't really work with that. it doesn't help me as a dominant. it actually requires more work on my part and i'm not into doing more work than i have to b/c...well, i'm a lazy dominant, really :) if i'm getting into a relationship with someone, even just a simple play relationship, having an effective communicator as a partner makes for ease and simplicity in negotiations. it also tells me someone has worked on understanding their kinky selves; has maybe had some experience with play and learned some things about what they can and can't handle; has some concept of what makes good boundaries for them. yay, them!

with newbies, i get this can be difficult if you've never played or don't know what you can handle cause you haven't tried a particular type of play. but i'm still going to tell you that saying you have 'no limits' is still problematic. better to say, 'i don't know' b/c you legit don't. or explain the feeling you are hoping to get from play and say you aren't sure what that looks like in actual practice. a dominant can work with that. or at least, i certainly can.

'no limits' connotes to me that you're lazy; you can't be bothered to figure out what your limits are so you want me to do that work for you; that you want me to read your mind; that you're a shit communicator; that you have zero to offer me in terms of a great play experience. hard pass.

it's a worthy exercise to understand what some of your limits might be.

there's nothing to say that your limits are set in stone forever and ever. you may change your mind in time. you may decide to explore things that were once hard limits. you may decide soft limits, with the right person, are not boundaries you need to maintain with that person. or your limits may always be limits. all of these are completely reasonable. i would just suggest that people do the work to understand themselves if they want healthy relationships in kink. and one of those pieces of work is understanding hard and soft limits and being able to effectively communicate them.

one of the best ways to start is using the good 'ol fetish list on fetlife*. in putting my list together, i came up with hard limits of my own that i knew i had zero interest in. yup, dominants have limits, too :) some of them seemed so outlandish that i even needed to make as a hard limit b/c no fucking way. but going through the exercise was helpful to me in getting my mind to think about what i wanted and didn't want in kink. in time, i've finessed that list in my own mind and tried a few things that were initially soft and i decided were a 'nah'. those were all my decisions to make and my responsibility to communicate for myself. just as you ought to be developing this kind of understanding for yourself. imho.

*i will be leaving fet as of march 2021 so any references i make to the site are related to an old profile that likely doesn't exist anymore.

Jul 30, 2019