omg lesson#3: why i can't fix the cluelessness of the newbie male submissive

no one comes to kink knowing all the answers or how to do this stuff.

so i can often feel compassion for the newbie male sub, finding his way and picking through porn that has fuelled fantasies which he's not been able to explore in real life. and i kinda think, patience. a little understanding. a little gentle nudge here and there, might help them navigate the kink waters a little better.

but i'm beginning to lose my shit with the "cluelessness". getting worn down. getting frustrated. quite frankly, getting angry.

and that bothered me. b/c that's not me. i like to mentor. i like to help. i like to empower. i like to fix things. so i've been on a little road of self reflection about my inability to make a difference anymore.

and then i came across a post by @MsVerijaa. she has oodles of experience and tends to be really practical about kinky people on both sides of the slash. it goes without saying, i respect her and take the time to read what she writes even if i don't always agree. the post i'm quoting, is all her - and if she had made it a writing, i would have loved it soooo hard (if i could have). it pinpoints my current and ongoing frustration with the newbie male sub:

"the constant barrage of newbie male subs who for some reason expect women to take on the burden of teaching them the reality of their own desires....

It's not somebody else's job to teach you about BDSM, about D/s, about your own desires and preferences, about safety, about communication, about how you react when somebody actually gives you an order. Learning all that is YOUR job. Unless you want to pay somebody.

And knowing your own preferences and desires is NOT imposing anything on a dominant, it's being able to communicate and establish compatibility. SHE gets to call the shots AFTER you agree, but before you agree, the idea is to make sure the shots she's likely to call will be agreeable to you, by choosing a compatible partner before you start.

Educate yourself, about anything and everything. Read non-fiction, go to munches/demos/parties/events, learn about yourself and about everything else that interests you."

so i can't fix the cluelessness of a newbie male sub. being kinky and/or submissive does not entitle you to give up your responsibility to effectively act like a functioning adult. there's no shame in asking for help - but it's not okay to put the entirety of your education and learning about kink and bdsm, on someone else. it's on you.

stop leaning so heavily on those who are willing to help, that you burn them out for the other men who might be in a similar boat to you. be a decent human being and take ownership of your own learning. you will be a better sub for it. hell, you'll simply be a better person for it.

Apr 7, 2018