omg lesson #6: male submissive safety

allow me to set the scene. you're a man looking for his first or maybe second opportunity to play with a dominant. you've been chatting online and the messages have been such a turn on. and now, you've arranged to meet.

you can't wait. you are physically thrumming with anticipation. this is going to be good. soooo good. you can't wait. you've agreed to all the requirements b/c you are so damn excited. ooohhh yes.

you are kneeling and waiting at the appointed hour by the door. you've put on the blindfold and gag and cuffs just as instructed on the last email you received. you can barely contain yourself as you kneel and wait.

you hear the door open. you can't say anything b/c of the gag but you try to mumble, "hello mistress". it comes out something like "rrrmmhmmss". no matter. she knows what you mean. you feel her hands on yours, checking the wrist restraints are good and tight and that you can't get out. she checks the gag to make sure you didn't cheat and tightens it just a wee bit more. and she checks the blindfold to make sure you really can't see anything. you're waiting for her to speak so you can hear her voice. after weeks of emailing, you just want to hear her. but she doesn't speak.

instead, she starts dragging you across the floor, on your knees into the living room. gosh, she's awfully strong. and she's so quiet. you didn't think dommes who wore high heels could walk so quietly on wood floors but she does. and it seems like she has more than 2 hands with the way she's manhandling you but it's so much fun and you can't wait to begin that you toss aside whatever doesn't seem to make much sense. you're just going to surrender to all that's going to happen today. after all, you did say you had no limits. you wanted to get the full experience.

she is actually a he. and he robs you blind. and leaves you tied up for the next 3 days until your mum, worried about you, comes in with her emergency key and finds you bound, gagged, dehydrated and how are you going to explain this?!?!

and that's the least bad of the bad things that could happen.

i know, i know, stop throwing cold water on those great porntastic male submissive fantasies. you just want to be tied up and toyed with. why do we haaavveee to talk about safety? talk about being a wet blanket, smg.

but, here's the thing. if something bad happens (and not the bad things you dream in your head but really awful bad things), it's not so easy to explain that to family. a medical professional. work. etc. so why not just get that out of the way so you don't have to embarrass yourself by doing something stupid? have fun and no bad aftermath to go with it!

sooo, here's my summary on submissive male safety. while i can't think of everything, a few basics are good to have in your little arsenal.

and if there is a domme out there who denies you the right to any of these things - run, don't walk, away from them.

1. trust your instincts.

not your little head. your gut. if something feels off or not right, stop it. right now. your spidey senses are telling you something. heed it. and be responsible for your own learning. don't expect your next domme to teach you all the things you should be aware of when you're looking for play partners. knowledge is sexy. get some.

2. first meetings are public.

for the love of god, don't meet someone for the first time in your private home. or their private home. meet in a public space that's busy enough for both of you to feel safe. get a sense of who they are. make sure they are actually who they say they are - namely female. and if you need to meet a few times in public - at a kink event might be good for next time if you're interested in a bit of play.

3. safe calls.

once you know you want to play somewhere privately, make sure someone you trust has the name of the person and address of where you are going and how long you plan to be there. and are prepared to receive a check in call from you to say you are there and when you leave. make sure your play partner knows you have safety call protocols in place. you don't need to tell them what they are. just that they are in place.

4. wait on the bondage play.

things like this require a level of trust. i know most men aren't physically threatened by women. not usually. not as a matter of course. but trust me. once i have you restrained and gagged - you can't get out; you can't yell for help; and i can harm you. not just hurt you (which we both might want), genuinely harm you. i could cut off limbs, break bones, scar you for life. so maybe, bondage is off the table the first couple of times? maybe you play publicly the first couple of times? maybe honour bondage at first? these are all ok. but just b/c you're a man doesn't mean you are immune from being assaulted/raped by a woman. and it's not sexy or hot if it's done without your consent.

5. learn to negotiate.

please don't say you have no limits. please don't say, i can do whatever i want. maybe that will come in time when you know how i play and you know what you can take and we find our groove. until then, consider carefully, the things you actually would like to try. and what you are willing to do the first couple of times you play. don't list all the things. but you do need to learn to negotiate and be capable of it. if you're not sure, try practicing with a fellow kinkster. or attend a workshop on it. people don't give enough consideration to negotiation and end up not understanding what they've consented to or what they can so 'no' to or what their domme is allowed to do. be clear. be upfront. communicate.

lesson #9 is helpful for learning about negotiation. 

please know, i don't say this to take the fun out of kink.

being safe while having a good time is the best time of all.

i love playing with submissive men who are self aware and respect themselves enough to consider their own safety and mine. this is not a wet blanket...but a source to make you a better, more desirable, more attractive play partner. at least to this domme...

ps: these are notes from other writers @Dawn and @EvilLina (fetlife). normally, i'd link to them here but if you're not on fet, you won't be able to access them. but to summarize what they've written:

as a willing participant, you can contribute to play in your own way...

• Create a bottom bag: include some impact toys you like, items you need for aftercare, and a basic first aid kit.
• Have as many of your own supplies as possible for the scene (such as needles, suturing supplies, staplers, rope, impact toys). Don't know where to get those things or don't have the budget for them? Don't worry, there are still so many other ways you can contribute.
• Ask your top what they need for aftercare, if there's a specific snack they like, have some of that snack in your bottom bag for after the play

Nov 22, 2018