omg lesson#9: what? we have to negotiate to play?

i know you're thinking this sounds like a boring topic...

but negotiation is probably at the root of getting allll the kinky play you want and maybe the play you didn't even know you wanted or was even possible.

do it well? you'll likely have a memorable experience you'll want to repeat, revel and delight in, and brag about to all your kinky friends. 

do it badly and you may never play again.

it's a difficult subject b/c a simple lesson like this can get mired in the various ways that people like to negotiate and different communication styles. so i'm not going to tell you how to negotiate, per se. that's a pretty personal thing that you develop over time with experience and learn from others.

what i am going to do is lay some of the basics down to keep in mind/remember. it's by no means a complete guide. but as a set of helpful tips and tricks, perhaps, just perhaps, it can tell the little head to STFU for a moment, so the big head can do the work on behalf of the little head's dreams and desires. and, well when it comes to servicing the almighty peen, that's your job, not mine, right?

negotiation is your friend. one of your best friends in kink.

it's not meant to keep you from the fun. it's meant to make the fun, funner.

in its basic form, i see negotiation this way: as a dominant, i have a list of what i want. you, as a potential play partner have a list of what you want. negotiation is the art of agreeing to terms before play to ensure we both get what we want out of play OR deciding not to play.

it's your body. your body expects that you will protect it. wanting play is not asking for abuse and/or assault. it's asking for funsies that may be delivered through pain, sensation and mind fuckery. are we clear?

alrighty then, here we go. and keep in mind this is just my list. i hope people will chime in with comments about their styles and approaches so that people will have more wisdom to draw from. your style will come with time and practice. and it's good to learn from others. how do you think i learned this shit? made it up as i went along? (well, some of it yes, but with negotiation, i did not wing it, nor would i advise you to):

just b/c someone has been on the scene forever and doing this for decades does not mean they know you or your body or how you like to play. it does not give them the right to avoid negotiating. if they refuse, they don't get to play with you. withdraw yourself altogether. you're worth more than that.

the time to negotiate is when you are clear headed. 

ie. not intoxicated or high or in some kind of sub frenzy. you need your faculties to be able to consent. and as a caring dominant, consent allows me to unleash my depravity on a willing plaything. that turns my crank. (yes, i'm a sadist. but an ethical one.)

when you're negotiating, it's a level playing field. 

there is no authority transfer during this phase. (unless you're practicing CNC and i'm not dealing with that here). basically, you are merely 2 autonomous beings - no one can tell the other what to do. you do not defer b/c she's the dominant. it's open communication outside of roles. now is not the time to get all subby mcsuberson. ok?

oh, and be honest. do not lie. 

if you develop a reputation for deceit in negotiations, you may find play harder and harder to get. and if i catch you in a lie, we will never play again. just don't do it. it's not worth it.

don't be afraid to ask questions of your top/dominant. these are the standard questions i tend to ask in some form or another. keep in mind i don't play sexually. so there would be other questions that you ought to consider if sex is on the table:

• relevant medical information
• safe words/stop words and what they mean
• past play - likes/dislikes
• limits, needs, wants, triggers
• aftercare needs

what i've heard from experienced bottoms are questions like:

• what kinds of play do you like?
• how experienced are you in general with [insert type of play being negotiated]?
• how risky is this kind of play?
• how often do you engage in this type of play?
• what are your limits/rules?
• what happens after we play?

this is the one time where you do need to actually speak up. 

now is the time to invoke the spirit of the 'do me' sub if you have to, in order to get the words out. keep in mind, it doesn't mean you'll get all the things or that someone will even want to play with you. but you do need to communicate clearly with your potential top/dominant about the things you want to happen or are open to happening. a bdsm checklist can help you identify the types of play you might want to ask for/about.

if you say you have no limits, i am not going to play with you. b/c i don't play with dumb asses and saying you have no limits is being a dumb ass. don't make me have to bring up depraved shit that will scare away my potential play thing. give me something i can work with. it can be as easy as: 'no blood, no scat, no puke, no breaking bones'. that, is something i can work with. or, you can say, i don't know b/c you legit don't. that, i can work with.

some people, who are experienced or who are after a feeling more than a particular type of play may say something like this:

i'm into most activities that result in getting hurt in some way. what i'm after is feeling vulnerability, being at your mercy and wanting to suffer for your pleasure

a fairly experienced top/dominant can work with this. they are likely going to ask some more nuanced questions to get a better feeling for their partner...but it speaks to the needs/wants of the bottom/sub. and this is when we dominants are actually open and wanting to hear about what you want or what you are after when it comes to play.

or you can do what is often referred to as 'positive negotiation' which is you only put on the table, what you're willing to put on the table. it's outlining what is okay rather than trying to think of all the things that are not okay. trust me, we sadists can come up with shit you never even considered. so you'll never come up with an exhaustive list. so if you're new or with a new partner, consider just listing what would be okay and only those things are possible for this scene. any decent top/dominant can work with that. doesn't mean they have to do everything you listed as being okay. just that they need to stick to that list. and if they don't wanna, negotiations are done. and that's ok, too. 

aftercare: i tend to prefer negotiating aftercare before we get to the play. if you need sex, or lots of physical cuddling or something afterwards, i'm not going to be able to provide that so i know, from negotiations, we're not going to play. it's not wrong to want/need sex or cuddles afterwards. it's just not something i'm open to. yes, dominants have limits. who'd have thunk it? anyhoo, best to negotiate this at the start so no surprises. generally speaking, you are going to need to rehydrate and possibly require some sugar. what is aftercare? read this.

do your own learning. listen, i'm not the fount of all kink knowledge. you know what? none of us are. there is no kink university where we get a degree and stuff. we learn with practice, trial and error, and from others. if you can and there's one available, hit a bdsm 101 workshop in your area. they can be invaluable. and fetlife has some great resources that you can read up on including: @robothugs noob workshop: negotiation notes and @SelkieChaos how to write a negotiations sheet.

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as a dominant, i do not play with people who's idea of negotiation is saying 'anything you want' b/c it turns out that they always want something more, something specific, something they have in mind. somehow, i'm supposed to know what they mean rather than what they say. fuck that. i want to play with grown ass adults, who demonstrate adult communication. i will want to negotiate, as do you, even if you didn't know that before we started talking ;)

there's no getting around negotiations when it comes to play. 

but look at it as a way of building anticipation, learning about each other, and opening up possibilities that you didn't even know were available to you.

Nov 27, 2018