omg lesson #10: getting play when you're socially awkward

first off, no one gets something for nothing. whether it's cold hard cash, an emotional investment, or putting yourself out there over and over again, it takes energy and effort to get what you want. things just don't 'land in your lap' or 'appear at your door' without some kind of action (or series of actions) on your part.

secondly, many people understand that the various social aspects of kink (munches, play parties, conferences, dungeons, and the like) can be difficult to navigate, break into, and actually excel at. there is real social anxiety, social awkwardness, social fear...and i'm not trying to minimize that in any way.

however, if you want to hide behind those fears, that awkwardness, that anxiety - that's your prerogative. it is a choice to do nothing. and you lose the right, imho, to complain how the fact that you do nothing, results in nothing. (and yes, posting an ad/profile on fetlife is basically doing nothing).

if you don't get any kinky play as a result of doing nothing; if you get no kinky relationships or partners as a result of doing nothing; that's on you and no one else.

and if you start whining about how i don't understand crippling social anxiety, understand what lengths people in the same position as you, go to, to get what they want in kink. b/c there is an understanding that human connection, human interaction, human engagement takes effort. for some, more effort than others. but effort, nonetheless.

so what can you do if you're a socially anxious, awkward or otherwise, super shy kinda person but you want to get your kink on?

inspired by some group discussions on fetlife, there was some advice given over and over again that was rock solid and helpful so i wanted to reference it here. think of it as a handy dandy guide to get your kink on for the super shy. thanks to @MadamePoule and @Regina- for some awesome advice:

1. speaking of munches...

you often can’t know the role of the person at a munch until you meet them. so be open to meeting anyone and everyone and not just the kind of partner you are looking for. munches are not meat markets. don't treat them as such b/c we can smell it from a mile away. it's not a good smell.

contact the organizers or hosts of the munch prior to attending. tell them you're new, shy, and thinking of coming - anything you need to know? would they consider introducing you to a couple of people? if they respond helpfully, give it a shot. make it easier for people to help you.

consider having one drink IF you find doing that relaxes you, lowers your inhibitions a bit, and doesn’t interfere with driving home. IF it's helped in other social settings, it's ok to have one and try it out.

set a goal: “tonight I will talk for two minutes to one person I’ve already met and to one person I haven’t yet met,” or whatever. you can leave early. but meet the goal you set. and set a new goal for next time.

have a bit of a script about what you want to say about yourself. how do you want to introduce yourself - your real name or your fet name? have a couple of questions at the ready: for instance, how did you get into kink? or what interests you about kink? let other people talk and you do the listening. and pay attention to the answers. you can be honest and say, you're a bit shy or new to the group. but don't go on and on about it. most people will understand or want to help if they know you're a first timer.

when faced with something you dislike or fear, ask yourself, “what’s the worst thing that can happen? because nothing at a munch will be worse than THE WORST THING you can think of. so, say you’re at a munch and what's the worst you imagine? you’ll be tongue tied and they’ll walk away? you don't meet anyone that night? work through likely scenarios and you’ll realize: you won’t die, you won’t hurt anyone, you’ll live to see another day.

also, check out lessons# 75 and 76 for more info on munches.

2. speaking of other kink events in general...

skills workshops are great. learn how to make a flogger or how to throw one or develop a fascination for rope and keep showing up at the dojo. you don't have to talk to anyone. but you show up, people see you, they might say hello and you learn something. just showing up and having something to focus on that isn't you, can be easier than trying to keep up a conversation.

once presenters meet you or get to know you, you might even volunteer to be a bottom for a workshop you're interested in. it may be an opportunity to do one on one negotiation with a relatively skilled person and people will see you but you don't have to talk to them while you're bottoming. how cool is that?

at parties, ask to volunteer. organizers always need help: setting up, tearing down, keeping supplies full, registration, greeting, etc. this keeps you focused on other people, gives you a reason for being there and gives other people reasons to have positive thoughts about you — especially the host! lesson #77 can be helpful here. 

once people know you’re good people, you can talk to people about wanting to be human furniture (for instance). you won’t have to talk at all and people will still interact with you.

dress up, demonstrating some effort. dressing up also gives people something to talk to you about. by the same token, pay attention to what other people are wearing and find a way to give them appropriate compliments. lessons# 70, 71, and 72 can help with choosing what to wear (for men).

you don't have to have a 6 pack, be movie star good looking, be young, or be the most charismatic person in the room to have a full dance card for kink. what you do have to do, is put in the effort to be liked, recognized and desired...in order for people to play with you. want relationships with you. no different than in 'nilla land. you work for what you want in life...so if you want it badly enough, put in the effort or investment. it is on you. now, if you're social anxiety is crippling you, check out lesson#79.

edit: i came across this site which is excellent for the socially awkward, anxious and/or clueless.

Nov 12, 2018