omg lesson#77: your first kink event does not have to be super scary...
first understand that all events and all communities do not all work the exact same way. there are always some peculiarities and idiosyncrasies from generally accepted practice and i always suggest hitting up an event organizer prior to an event to ask any questions you have that are not answered in the event description.
the following is simply a list of tips and tricks to help you out and help ease your entry, whether it's a munch/slosh, a play party, workshop/demo, convention, discussion group or rope night.
1. people who show up at events are just everyday average people.
no better or worse than anyone else. they may still be judgemental as fuck; they could be conservative, traditional, liberal, open minded, close minded, religious, atheist, and whatever else you find in the world around you. just b/c they are kinky doesn't mean they are better, more enlightened, smarter, etc. than vanilla people. they just happen to be kinky. and if you feel you're kinky in any way, you're allowed to be there.
2. read the event description and adhere to the policies set there.
if you don't like the policies or rules, don't go. organizers are often just volunteers and their policies and rules are about making it easier for them to run the events they do. if it's a munch that you're going to, check out my lessons on munches and when not to go to a munch. not sure about a rule or policy or need clarification? reach out to the organizers. and if you feel uncomfortable about the rules? ask. or don't go. your safety ought to be one of your priorities.
3. be a good guest.
being a good guest ultimately comes down to being a decent human being and treating other guests like decent human beings. respect privacy. don't stare. keep chatter in the play space to a minimum and in a low voice. be gracious when it comes to a 'no'. move along quietly and *never, ever,* interrupt a scene. watch politely. listen politely. be discreet. if you're worried about a person in a scene at a party or a person being made uncomfortable at a munch, talk to a dm (dungeon monitor) or host/organizer. if you'd like to ask someone who is playing, a question, wait till the scene is over and they have finished their aftercare and packing up their space.
4. don't talk about 'fight club' with the vanillas.
stuff that goes on at kink events is not really meant as fodder for your vanilla acquaintances or work colleagues or a way to fluff yourself up to make yourself more interesting in your vanilla world. practice discernment and good judgement and when it doubt, don't talk about kinky events outside of kink.
5. keep to the dress codes when there is an established one.
munches/sloshes are usually just vanilla wear. for other types of events, the event description may say something like 'vanilla outside, anything goes inside'. most organizers want to keep their event discreet so that the venue doesn't get unwelcome attention. if you wouldn't wear it on public transit, don't wear it to walk in. you can always change/disrobe, inside. and if they do ask for certain kinds of fetish wear, respect the mood and tone they are trying to create for their event. not sure how to dress? i have lessons on fetish wear for boys and dressing for kink and for play. and don't leer or stare once you're in. you may see full on nudity, full on fetish wear and everything in between. again, be cool.
6. if you come across someone that you know, be cool.
it might happen and you can be polite and acknowledge them but don't 'out' them or make a beeline for them to talk about *how you know them*. a brief nod or a smile is good enough and when you see them again outside of a kink event, don't bring up that you saw them there. respect other people's privacy.
7. no cell phones or cameras.
just about every event i've attended (with the exception of munches), whether in my city or in others in canada, has this rule. but it may be enforced differently where you are. usually, most organizers will have some kind of policy about picture taking and cell phones and may permit it under very specific circumstances. it's to protect everyone attending so keep your phone packed away, pocketed, or otherwise, not accessible/not seen. munches are usually the exception since people like to exchange cell phone details or check out your fet profile while you're there. when in doubt, ask the host/organizer.
8. it's accepted that many people may not use their real name.
use your online handle or a version thereof. or a made up name you'd like to use in the scene. it's one of the few places that a nom de plume is widely accepted to protect your identity. and don't feel you need to share personal details like what you do for a living, where you work, what neighbourhood you live in, etc.
9. consent is everything, even at an event.
don't be pushy, coercive, or creepy. don't touch other people without permission. don't touch other people's things without permission. don't touch people's toys without permission. curiosity is understandable. doesn't mean you ignore consent b/c curious. remember the part about being a good guest?
10. if something makes you uncomfortable, walk away.
don't watch. go to another area. or leave. if you know that certain types of scenes might offend, trigger, or repulse you, ask the organizers if those types of scenes might happen at their event so you can choose not to go. taking personal responsibility for what you don't want to see is on you and not up to event organizers or those who play. your attendance is voluntary.
i feel it's also important to understand the 'culture' of an event or the 'tone' that organizers are trying to set. not every space will feel 'safe' to you. sometimes organizers are uber aware of the comfort and safety of bipoc or those who identify as lgbtq2+...but not always. if you want to know, i'd always suggest inquiring about how 'friendly' they are to certain communities. b/c, while all may *be* welcome, doesn't mean all will *feel* welcome. and hey, this might be an oppty (if the organizers are keen) to suggest how they could make their event more welcoming to minority groups w/in kink. or...consider setting up an event of your own to do this if you see a gap in the market/local community :)
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got any other tips/tricks for a first timer attending a kink event? add them below! thx.
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