omg lesson#7: considerations for those new to bdsm/kinky play

so you're interested in bdsm or kink or some kind of fetish and are curious to try something. you don't know what that is and you may have watched some porn that turned you on and you're all excited and thrilled and anxious and unsure.

that's ok. we all started somewhere, too.

the thing is, there are plenty of things you can do to explore and there are some things that you should clear up for yourself before engaging too heavily into things without having some understanding of what it is you are getting into.

what do you need to know?

1) consent is everything

understand what consent is. if you don't, or are unsure, educate ourself on it and how it is applied to kink. this will help you: lesson#12 on consent.

2) safety safety safety

understand that while you have stars in your eyes, the best advocate for keeping yourself safe, is you. other people are not responsible for keeping you safe. and given the dangerous aspects of kink (and there are many), understand what it means to be safe and consider what safety protocols you want to employ that will offer you the best protection. help to get started: lesson#6 on male submissive safety

3) forget about 50 shades or any porn you watched cause it's not real

kinksters are still people. everything that applied with treating people with respect in the life you've led before kink, still applies within kink (see lesson#13). treating people like they're some kind of pornstars to act out your fantasies or people that do shit without communicating (with clothes on) is not understanding ethical kink at all. you can always pay for it from a sex worker but if you're looking for compatible partners to try things out with, forget about the fantasy and be open to what's real. 

4) negotiation is important.

negotiation is foundational to ethical kink. learn how to do it effectively. lesson#9 on negotiation will be helpful here.

5) educating yourself doesn't require others

a lot of people think they can't do anything without someone 'teaching' or 'training' them. i call bullshit. you can do plenty to educate yourself including reading groups for the kinks you are most interested in, engaging in solo play (lesson#72), taking a bdsm checklist to determine what is on your list of 'to try' or 'to experience'. take ownership of your kink education. it's not other people's jobs to do that for you.

6) you don't always need a label but if you're going to use one, know what the fuck it means

there is nothing that says the label you initially identify with (if you identify with one at all) is the one you have to stick with. but if you're going to label yourself, know what that label means so that you find what you're actually looking for. otherwise you confuse others and you'll be confused yourself. these lessons in particular might help you figure out some shit if you feel you're on the right side of the slash:

lesson#86...when submission is your fetish and not your label

lesson#85...how do i figure out what i am just to play already?

lesson#39...is it okay to just want to submit in the bedroom?

7) if you can't talk about kink with a potential partner, you're not ready for kink

listen, i get it. sometimes kink has been long buried. a dirty little secret. a shameful little secret. something you've been terrified to explore or understand. you're not alone. however, you do need to learn to get over that shit. it's not healthy. and it's not wise to go in with those beliefs if you want to actually practice kink with people. the best way i can think of to help you through this and make talking about kink not so scary? talking to other kinksters. whether it's online or offline, talking to other kinksters (without expectation of play) can be validating, reassuring and make it easier for you to find your voice. i always suggest munches for newbies.

8) don't kink shame

you don't have to be into every kink or fetish out there. but you do need to be respectful of other people's kinks. as long as they are all ethical, stfu if they squick you or are not to your taste. you don't need to engage but you definitely don't get to judge. not out loud anyway. keep it to your inside voice, please.

9) not all kink is about sex for all kinksters

for some, kink is absolutely about sex and arousal. for others, it can be about that or it can just be non sexual fun. what is it for you? is it always about sex? or can it be just about experiencing fun stuff platonically? figure that out for yourself so you can communicate that to potential partners.

10) slow your roll

don't be an overeager, lack of limits, no boundaries or a boundary crossing asshat. if you've paid attention to all of the above, you know that there are things you need to educate yourself about; consider carefully; and establish good ground rules for exploration. and really get to know, and be able to, communicate your risk profile. and understand that others have their own risk profile.

have i missed anything for newbies just getting in the kink? share your comments. or check out my other omg lessons...

EDIT: @Dawn on fetlife has an excellent writing that works with this topic as well: 10 steps when you realize you're kinky.

Oct 7, 2019