omg lesson#12...stop making consent so complicated. it's easy, really.

only a freely given, enthusiastic 'yes' is a yes. that is consent. 

i often come across online groups talking about consent. and if you didn't already know, consent is kinda a big deal around kink. it makes what we do less assault and more like fun/sexy/cool.

consensual kink is the ethical kind.

of course, this is just my opinion. but it seems really odd to me, how people tend to obfuscate and try to make consent really difficult or tricky or complicated. they bring in situational ethics and questionable practices and ask 

about 'where does one draw the line?' and should we be recording consent to 'protect ourselves?'

i have some thoughts about this. probably some unpopular thoughts. 

• like, if you think someone is crazy and likely to fabricate lies and tell tall tales about your intimate times, maybe don't fuck crazy?
• or if you don't know a person well enough to understand whether they are giving you enthusiastic consent or they are feeling coerced, maybe don't fuck them?
• or you know, ask for consent directly with your words? and stop if you are not getting enthusiastic consent instead of pushing your way in and cajoling for what you want?
• or if you think you're entitled to someone's body b/c they are dating you/in an intimate relationship with you and you don't think they can ever say 'no' b/c you have this relationship...then maybe re-think your position?

i really do think consent is simple. an easy concept. and i find those most invested in making it difficult, convoluted, and tricky are those who don't respect the spirit and intention of consent. they are looking for the loopholes to make it ok for them to do what they want to do regardless of how the other person may or may not feel about it.

i came across this wording from a consent policy from BEHIV and felt it was really succinct and not filled with unnecessary complicated jargon. so i'm repeating it here. i wish i had a link to their complete policy but alas, i do not.

consent is freely given, reversible, informed, specific, and affirmative.

and then, they further explain what this means:

a. don’t ignore or disrespect the other person’s “no” if they revoke consent.
b. don’t be ambiguous about what you’re asking them to consent to.
c. don’t do additional things they didn’t consent to.
d. don’t interpret a halfhearted “okay,” silence, or anything other than affirmative consent as a “yes.”
e. don’t pressure people:

accept “no” for an answer.

assume that the answer is “no” unless you are actively given consent, as defined above.

be aware of power dynamics. if you have more power than the person you’re negotiating with--e.g., they’re brand-new to kink and see you as a mentor--make sure their consent is genuine and not based just on a desire to make you happy. (i mean, making you happy may make them happy but tread carefully when the power imbalance is there).

don’t ask for consent when you’re in a confined space that the other person can’t readily leave, like an elevator or a car.

be aware of soft nos and body language. examples of this are when someone is trying to leave or end the conversation, continually changing the subject to something less intimate, or physically distancing themselves from you.

f. don’t be creepy.
g. don’t touch people or their things without consent.

see? not complicated. stop trying to make it so. b/c when you do, it's obvious, to me, what you're trying to do. you're trying to be unethical. you're being devious and manipulative. stop that shit. if you can't get enthusiastic consent for what you want to do, then don't fucking do it.

Sep 28, 2019