omg lesson#85: how do i figure out what i am to just play already?

ah grasshopper. so you want to play. and by play, you mean some person, you like the look of, is going to tie you up, mummify you, maybe beat you, spank you, torture you, humiliate you, trample you and/or degrade you.

sound about right?

and you don't want to actually submit to authority. you simply want to be on the receiving end of play. you want to be topped. you want to have all manner of things done to you; to willingly surrender to funsies, and ouchies and woogie noogies.

that, my friends, is what we call a bottom. what's that, you ask?

bdsm glossary:
In a scene, the person who gives up control, or who receives physical sensation from a top, [is considered a bottom].

to clarify, a bottom is someone who doesn't want to transfer authority and who's not looking for a power exchange dynamic. they simply want to be on the receiving of sensations, have things done to them and willingly surrender to being topped.

if you want to play, and only know you want to be on the receiving end, label yourself as a bottom and negotiate from that perspective. 

in lieu of your own self awareness, you gotta start somewhere and starting with 'bottom' isn't starting from the bottom. it just means it's the simplest way for another person to interact and negotiate with you without feeling like you're selling them a bill of goods.

and just b/c you start off as a bottom...doesn't mean you can't evolve, change, switch, or desire more at some point as you grow self aware. some people stay a bottom b/c that's where they are most comfortable. some people change to sub, switch, kinkster, or no label at all. and that's cool, too. but when you're negotiating for play, and don't know what to fall back on, don't use 'submissive', if you don't know. go with 'bottom'. put less pressure on yourself and don't set out to deceive peeps. you might get more play that way than trying to be something you're not b/c you think in your head that's what you 'should' be when you haven't even tried.

men sometimes do themselves the biggest disservice by selling themselves as a submissive when they just want to bottom.

b/c you are going to piss off dominant women if you've said you're submissive, you want to submit to them, and then it turns out, no you don't. now, it's not wrong to be a bottom. i will play with a bottom, no problem, if i like them. some women just identify as tops or who like to top for casual play. they're truly ok with play with a bottom or someone who identifies as such for a one time or some time play thing. what we really despise, or i do, most certainly, is men who try to sell me one thing - submission - and then switch it to bottoming - when it comes down to it.

frankly, as a dominant, i want honesty and self awareness. 

if you have neither of those, i don't want to play with you b/c you don't know enough about yourself and i don't want to have to figure it out for you b/c i'm into a casual play relationship (and thus not that invested) AND if you're lying to me to get play, you can fuck off. if you're wondering why us dominant women might not take too kindly to your deceit, hapless or not, understand this:

honesty seems to be a universal trait that female dominants seem to cite as top 3 when they're looking for someone to play with, partner with, get into a relationship with. 

listen, you can label yourself however you want. and identify however you want. but i do see an awful lot of men defaulting to 'submissive' when that's not actually the case. omg lesson#86 talks about submission fetishists which are also not submissives, btw. now if you just want to fuck, and want to submit in the bedroom only, there's a name for that, too. check out lesson#87 on bedroom submissives (or sexual submissives). 

but please, do yourself a favour. stop diving in the deep end and learn a few things about yourself before calling yourself anything. imho.

Feb 1, 2019