omg lesson #87: is it okay to just want to submit in the bedroom?

you may or may not have heard the term, 'bedroom submissive'. all it really refers to, is someone who wants to submit when it comes to sex only. and all the other parts of their relationship, they would prefer to keep egalitarian in some way. lots of people talk shit about this topic, but i'm here to tell you...

bedroom submission can be a valid approach to submission as long as you're not a submission fetishist or masquerading as submissive when you're really a bottom. 

you can truly desire to submit and be submissive only when it comes to sexual relations with a partner. it can, indeed, be ceding authority to a dominant when it comes to all things sexual and no where else. it's just about finding a partner who also wants and is satisfied to just dominate in the bedroom.

unfortunately, bedroom submissives can get a bad rap b/c some men just want to be topped and fucked. 

the topped and fucked model goes hand in hand with the do me subs phenomenon. i mean, sure, do me subs come in all shapes and sizes and a do me sub can 'claim' to be a bedroom sub but they're a wolf in sheep's clothing and usually give themselves away pretty quickly. or men come into kink and think kinky women are easy so it's a quick way to get laid. don't be that dude, ok?

now i know, the concept can be so muddied by what's out there, it's hard to capture it all in a quick one size fits all scenario. so what does a bedroom submissive encompass? b/c it's such a nebulous concept here are some ways to look at it:

• submitting sexually to a dominant: you are going to do what she wants sexually and get off on it. your greatest need is to please her the way she wants, and doing what you're told gets you off. and once you get off, your desire to submit to her authority kind of dwindles altogether. you don't feel a need to submit once you're sexually satisfied by satisfying her in the way that she desires.

• submission is only hot and arousing while in the throes of lust/sex. once that's done, you no longer feel the need to submit or desire to submit. 

• you are in control and a decision maker outside of sexual relations with your partner. when you're having sex, she has all the authority to tell you what to do and make the decisions about how you'll be having sex. otherwise, in your day to day interactions with your partner, you look like any other egalitarian loving couple and make decisions together.

do you see yourself somewhere in there? b/c being self aware, and honest and clear about your expectations and needs is helpful in finding what you want and being satisfied in your relationship. 

it is important that you seek a compatible partner for what you're looking for.

now, while not submission, there is such a thing as bottoming. when you would prefer to bottom sexually to a top, you basically get to have things done to you - doesn't mean you get to play starfish here so don't bank on that role - and you enjoy a less technically active role in sex. you may or may not get off depending on what your top and you negotiate. but yes, it's all the sexy things done to you but there's no authority exchange. you haven't given any control over to your partner. so not submission, but bottoming. and another valid thing to seek if that's what you're looking for. again, seek the right partner for what you want.

now....once a bedroom submissive, always a bedroom submissive?

not necessarily. you may find that you start that way and then want to submit in other areas of your relationship. or you want to explore giving authority over to your dominant in other aspects of your relationship. it's funny about kink...once you open the door, it may open up other possibilities you hadn't even thought about exploring before. and that's cool, too. this is why communication is fundamental. b/c you need to tell your partner if things have changed for you; if you want to explore your submission in other ways. or, you may be entirely content with staying a bedroom submissive for the duration of the relationship....and that's cool, too.

a little self reflection can go a long way to getting you the right kind of dominant for you. 

so be aware of what you want and don't be afraid of being a bedroom only submissive if that's what you are. you may not be everyone's cup of tea and that's ok. getting what you need is more important than pretending to be what you're not. and don't try to fool people by selling something that you're not. cause that will piss people off.

now just nod your head. i'm right. trust me on this one :)

Dec 22, 2018