omg lesson#86: when submission is your fetish and not your label

there's lots of reasons men label themselves submissive. one of those reasons might be b/c they've fetishized the idea of submission rather than actually being a submissive. i blame porn. but let's leave that for now, shall we?

generally, being submissive as a role in kink (or label), is thought of as simply the desire to submit to someone's authority. that can manifest itself in many different ways. sure there's negotiation and consent. but it's the act of 'submitting' to a certain someone's authority, that one gets off on or enjoys or wants. a submissive finds satisfaction/happiness/contentment in the act of submitting to their dominant.

a submission fetishist, however, focuses on certain acts, behaviours, and aethestics that combine to fit their 'ideal submission fetish'. 

they only want to submit and give up control within those specific acts, behaviours, and aesthetics and likely in a very proscribed way. it's not the act of submission that gets them off. it's not submitting to their dominant how ever they want. rather, it's a set of things they think feel submissive to them, that gets them off. so if you've watched porn that turned you on and the things that you saw are what you want acted out or re-enacted in real life...you might be a submission fetishist. 

a submission fetishist describes things as a desire to 'relinquish control'. but once they play, it really comes down to wanting to role play submission in a way that fits their submission fantasy. 

let's be clear; when you are dictating the exact ways you will lose control and want to control all the variables of what you'll be asked to do, how you will do those things, and/or how the dominant acts so that it fits your fantasy, so you can get off, you're not actually relinquishing control. this is role playing. when it's not the act of submitting, but acting out a scene where you're just playing the role of a submissive, that is role play, dude. 

i've come across a few and honestly, i think these men really and truly believe they want to give up control; that they are aroused by the idea of giving up control; until we test that and he's confused because he's not getting off on submitting to me. what he actually wants is a prop - a dominant prop who looks and acts the part of the dominant of his fantasies but doesn't actually have any authority in the scene/bedroom/relationship. they want someone to act the part of what works to get them off best. it then becomes a game of trying to get the feeling he's looking for...while continuing to think he's submissive. when he's trapped in this thought process, he ain't never going to get what he wants.

b/c as i've said many times before, self awareness is a thing. a really important thing.

keep in mind, the submission fetishists usually come off as 'do me subs' looking for dominant women to be fetish dispensers. if you've read any of my writings, you know how they are often reviled by dominant women.

and by misrepresenting himself as a submissive, looking for a dominant, well that's bad news all around. it would be far better for the submission fetishist to know what he was after or to be more circumspect and not be so quick to label himself. 

often, you only get one chance to make a good first impression.

it's a shame that fetishists often lead with their fetish. it's why foot fetish guys get such a bad rap. they don't look at the overall person - they look for a set of feet. or so goes the criticism. in this case, submission fetishists look for someone who 'looks' the part of a dominant. but you don't actually 'need' a dominant nor do you want a dominant. you just need the person to act the part and there's no actual power exchange. 

if you really want to give manifesting your desires in real life, a legit shot, it starts with your own learning:

• being self aware. what do you want? to submit to someone else's authority? or simply to play at losing control in specific ways? and if you don't know, don't pretend like you do. say you're 'exploring' with no kink label or choose 'bottom' until you can make some determinations for yourself.

• once you're ready to do some trial and error, likely without fixed labels, get to know people in kink to learn more about the reality of your own desires. be nice, be likeable and get some play under your belt and see how you feel.

• you could also be a 'bedroom only submissive' which i've covered in omg lesson#87.

• or you could simply be a bottom, which i've covered in omg lesson#85.

and please don't misunderstand. i'm not telling you, you are bad or wrong to fetishize submission.

it is wrong to pull a bait and switch. it is wrong to sell a bill of goods to someone deceitfully. it is wrong to be dishonest - with others and yourself. don't be that dude. know what you want and be honest about what it is you're seeking. 

almost everything can be a fetish to someone. even dominance! the trick is knowing your own desires and that comes from playing; thoughtful consideration of what works for you and what doesn't; and being accountable and responsible for learning about yourself. i'm just asking you to be honest.

laying off the labels; exploring yourself without the benefit of porn; getting out in real life and talking with other kinksters will help. don't be creepy. don't be needy. don't act entitled. just humbly go forth and learn who you are and what you want. you'll be happier and more satisfied for it. and frustrate way fewer dominants in the process. imho.

Feb 2, 2019