omg lesson#21: engaging in online groups

so you've discovered online chat groups like those on fetlife, discussing non fiction, real world femdom topics.

wonderful!

there's a wealth of info in groups and you can learn so much by actively engaging with others in this space. you can get noticed. gain a little cache on a particular site, even. and if you play your cards right, make a few new friends. 

there's a few basics we should cover cause i've seen it done badly and i've seen it done well. heck, when i first started, i stumbled a bit and would have liked a bit of how to guide myself. instead, i learned the hard way. got my ass handed to me sometimes. 

don't be the clueless me, ok?

• caveat 1: this advice probably does not apply well to fuck or pass (game) groups or any online classifieds groups.
• caveat 2: if all you want to do is play in the fuck or pass groups or classifieds groups....it's not a good look and will likely be a detriment in your posting history. just sayin'...

with all that out of the way, let's begin:

1. you can lurk without joining

if you want to check out a group or two, that's cool. you don't have to join to read stuff. this is especially important to #3.

2. read the rules when you do join

anytime you join a group, make sure you check out any rules for that group. some groups have a lot of rules. some have a few. some have none at all. by clicking the 'join' button, you are, in essence agreeing to the rules of that group. you will be held accountable to that agreement.

on fet, for instance, every group you join gets added to your profile. and your posting history will be forever listed on your profile, too. 

3. read the room

every group has their own culture, tone, style of doing things. some group owners/moderators are really strict about their rules. some mods give a bit of leeway. some mods are pretty absent. some posters have been there a long while and play nicely with others and some don't. get to know the kind of group you've joined. the subject matter is one thing. how posters interact with each other is a totally different thing. they will not change their culture for you. you will need to adapt to theirs...or leave. and that's ok. but understand what you're getting into. 

4. don't piss off the group owners/mods

seriously, just don't. mods are often volunteers and some have more patience than others. they are human. they can ban you for any reason, usually for breaking rules. sometimes, some mods just bring out the ban hammer b/c they don't want to deal with you. whatever. don't take it personally. but don't try to antagonize them either. i mean, unless you're looking to get banned. and that's just a shitty thing to do. 

5. it's not a forever commitment

i join and leave groups all the time. either the action isn't there, or i don't feel i'm learning anything, or i don't like the culture of the group or the way the mods behave. or....i don't know, i just thought my groups' listing was getting too long that day. whateves. all i'm saying is you don't have to stick with a group if it's not working for you. move on. you can always come back if you change your mind. 

you can also follow and unfollow specific discussions in a group you're a member of, most of the time by subscribing somehow to the following function. on fet, it's fairly straightforward. but other online groups have similar subscription features to follow threads you've commented on and so forth.

6. don't flounce

there is something to be said for leaving without getting all defensive or making a big stink. just leave quietly. if you have some things to get off your chest, put it in your personal blog (like i do!) so you can always delete it if you reconsider. but don't post that shit in a group. it just ends up making you look bad. 

7. deciding to post

always a little scary the first time. and you really don't want to look like an idiot. i get it. been there myself :) the thing is, don't make it personal. don't attack people. you're welcome to give an opinion about how things work for you with the hope that it might help answer the question. don't get all one twue way...cause that will get you into all kinds of hot water. when in doubt, keep it short. and when in doubt, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it. you'll gain confidence in time. and be able to navigate more controversial opinions and topics as you post more often. 

on fet: and if you click on the groups tab, all the threads you've posted to will show up there so you can keep track. all the groups you've joined will also be listed along the left hand side.

8. deciding to create a thread

so you have a question you want to ask the group? please, please, please...read through the thread titles of the front page of the group first. has your question or a version of your question been asked already in the last little while? then contribute to that thread rather than making a whole new post to talk about the same damn thing.

oh and btw, most online groups call a new thread an 'op' - original post. some people may refer to an 'op' - original poster, ie. you, if you created the thread/discussion.

9. answering on your own thread

don't get defensive about your question. try not to get personal. like i said earlier, if you can't say something nice....! now this is easier said than done. i've been known to falter on this point, too. the thing is, you're not likely going to convince someone to change their mind if they don't agree with you. share your pov and move on. you can engage in an exchange but don't do it with the purpose of changing someone's mind cause that ain't likely to happen. sometimes it's just about clarifying your points. or disagreeing with someone else and sharing your own pov. that's cool. watch the tone and pay attention to mod notes. 

10. don't derail a thread

sometimes a side tangent can still be worked into the main topic or a post may take a little detour. often, that's ok. but try to keep to answering the op. if the op makes you think of another question, don't ask your question in someone else's op. that's just rude. start a new thread, instead.

did i miss anything? have any other questions about engaging in online groups? let me know and we'll try to answer accordingly. and welcome to the wonderful world of online groups!

Nov 11, 2019