omg lesson #91: no, i'm not your therapist, either

sometimes, as dominants, we get asked by people in kink, to help them with big life decisions. or small life decisions. with all life decisions. that somehow, the 'dominant' label means we are somehow all knowing, all powerful, all something better, than who/what they are.

here's a secret. we're not.

we're just people. we have our flaws. and foibles. our kinks and quirks. and our own shit to deal with.

now, i'm of the personal opinion (and this is simply mine) that dominants ought to, by and large, have their shit together. hey, if you're thinking remotely of having some authority over another human being - i think you ought to have some self awareness, a fairly good capacity to adult, and some life experience that tells you to treat people decently. but i digress...

at the end of the day, we dominants are not perfect. we don't have all the answers. and we're not your therapist.

'but what does that mean, smg? you give such good advice. you know stuff i don't know. i need your help'. listen, i, as a dominant, cannot fix your mental health issues. i can't fix your inability to adult. i can't fix your indecisiveness. i can't make you a better human being. no matter how much i may want to.

i hate saying i can't do things, by the way.

it offends my innate sense that i should be able to do whatever i put my mind to. i have a deep seated desire to solve everyone's problems... which falls in direct conflict with my being a pragmatist. yes, reality sucks sometimes.

listen, if you're a friend or a partner, i'm happy to listen. i truly am. i am happy to give my opinion when asked (and sometimes, you don't even have to ask...). i am happy to give you a bit of encouragement, support, love, kindness and a big big hug. i dearly love to be there for people i care about. but i'm still not your therapist.

i am fortunate to be okay at the adulting thing. i am personally successful (in the ways that i measure it) and i feel good (most of the time) for what i've accomplished in my life. i am grateful for the many blessings i have and the people around me. so i feel i do have the capacity to give to other people. and i know what i'm capable of giving. i often want to help. i want to make things better for people i care about. i want them to be happy. but i'm still not your therapist.

if you need a therapist, there's nothing wrong with that. 

however, getting into a relationship with a dominant (or anyone in kink for that matter) and asking them to 'fix' you, is not fair. asking them to make you better, is not fair. asking them to correct the things you have issues with, within yourself, is not fair. it's not fair to you and it's not fair to your partner/person.

don't look at a dominant as a life raft. 

only you can save yourself. you might need help and that's ok. but seek the kind of help that doesn't put the people you love in a position to fail you. to disappoint you. to possibly take advantage you.

as a dominant, there are many things i'm capable of. and if we're fortunate to come together and have a relationship, that's awesome. but it won't work if you're setting me up to fail before we've even begun. i can be your play partner, your friend, your confidante, your lover...but i can't be your therapist. please don't ask me to be.

Nov 16, 2018