omg lesson #64: the ol' 'i wanna turn my wife into my domme' routine
and we all love. we all love differently, but we as human beings seek connections and love and acceptance and togetherness. there are very few real hermits in the world. and they can't seem to maintain it, can they?
so we live together, we pair off. we relationship. we marry. b/c that's the thing to do and that's how we do it, in vanilla life - the default of society. human beings are social creatures, after all. even the most introverted of introverts seeks human connection of some kind. wants to be loved.
and i imagine, that some of us repress the kinky, or don't discover the kinky or even understand the kinky nature of ourselves...till after we're married/partnered. we might suspect. we might be curious. we might have done something once a long time ago and thought fondly of it but that was it.
until it becomes more than that. until we mature, or change or become exposed to things that intrigue us and make us seek more of the same. no one is the same person they were at 20 as they are at 40 or 60 or 80. we are constantly evolving. beliefs, values, morals, needs, wants, desires, etc...can all change. not with deliberate intention. it happens. often.
if you're fortunate, your partner grows with you. that you had enough compatibility and love and fondness for each other that however you evolve...your partner evolves right along with you - maybe in different ways but still complementary. sometimes you grow apart. and sometimes that can't be helped. it's not a failure if that happens, by the way. acceptance of the reality of the way things are today, doesn't have to be blunt or unkind. it can just be.
and here's where our story begins...
we often see online that the person who discovers, realizes, or wants to be submissive is the husband. and he comes to online chat boards to ask how to change her, make her their domme of their dreams or to cheat on her. boy, oh boy. that's a pool to wade in, isn't it? and often, what they are really asking is 'how do i get my wife to deliver my fetishes to me?' so, b/c it's asked sooo often, there's plenty of advice - much along the lines of:
- 'talk to her and see if she'll be open to it'
- 'why not change yourself if you think it's so easy to change her?'
- 'don't be a cheater, you fucktard.'
- 'if kink is that important, get a divorce and find someone kinky'
i am paraphrasing, but you get the idea. i don't think the advice is wrong, by the way, but i think there is nuance. and i can appreciate how a kinky person may have arrived at the situation they find themselves in b/c of all the things i said earlier - not really anyone's fault. just a situation that you're now in and trying to work your way out of.
if you don't love your wife, that makes it easy, doesn't it? but chances are, you love this woman and want to make it work with her. all the compatible things are already there and you're just looking to add the kink. so what to do? what to do?
1. getting right with your kink and what you want.
i know, you're thinking how the hell do you bring this up with your beautiful, loving wife? something so perverse and secret and...dirty. wrong. if you think your kink is perverse and secret and feel badly about it - sort that shit out yourself, first. go to a kink friendly therapist. learn about kink (without the use of porn, please). meet kinky folks and learn about what kind of kinky you might be. but do some self education. deal with your shame if you have any. if you think badly of kink, why the hell would you want to introduce something bad to the partner who you claim to love? and while you're at it, get to know if you're a bottom or a submissive. maybe you're just a submission fetishist? or possibly a bedroom only submissive. yes, grasshopper, there is a difference. it's important to know the difference.
b/c if you just want to have kinky things done to you, that turn you on and make your dick feel good, you don't need a domme for that. and there are many ways to skin that cat. so before you go down the road of asking...know what you're asking for.
2. understand what you want - a dominant or a top?
tying someone up doesn't seem all that kinky to most people. a playful slap? well that can be simple and easy. seeing if you both like that sort of thing. if it makes things hotter in the bedroom.
remember what i said about knowing whether you are a bottom or a submissive? this is when knowing this ahead of time is helpful. like really really helpful.
3. talk to her about how you feel.
ok. you've sorted out kind of how you feel about kink and are positive about it. you may not have figured everything out but you know you don't feel it's shameful and dirty. great. and you have a good sense of what it is you want to try/explore/do/have done to you. time for the conversation. and this is not one conversation. this is not something you sort of mention in bed while you're having an intimate moment. it's a 'sweetheart-i've-had-this-on-my-mind-for quite-some-time-can-we-talk-about-it? conversation. and lord love a duck, don't spew all the shit you've learned in one shot. that approach is not going to do you any favours. and don't use words or jargon that sound scary or overtly kinky to vanilla folks.
this is a nuanced conversation that needs to go slow and needs to follow the dynamic of all big conversations in your relationship. how did you talk about having or raising children? how did you talk about what religion your household would follow? how have the big discussions happened in your relationship? what worked and what didn't work? understand that introducing kink can be a big conversation and needs to be treated as such. put the little head away. it cannot come out at any time during these conversations. not if you want a chance of opening up the kinky door.
@regina on fetlife has a really good writing to help you understand how to guide the conversation so you told your wife you want to submit to her. i'd encourage every married man who's thinking about having this conversation with his wife, to read this first.
4. respect what she says.
hey. it's not always going to be wine and roses. sometimes the door is going to be firmly shut. you won't know until you ask...but it's a possibility. it always was going to be a possibility. don't nag. don't whine. don't pester. i mean, you can look crestfallen. i can see how you might not be able to hide the disappointment. but take it in stride. ask if it's a completely closed door or if it's something that you might be able to revisit. if it's a no, respect the no.
then it becomes other options. will your wife allow you to open up the marriage and if so what will that look like? maybe it's being open with conditions - like no sexual contact. maybe it's open like a poly relationship or ethical non monogamy. there's lots of ways to open up the marriage without it being cheating. if she says yes, understand there will need to be parameters. but again, if you don't ask...you won't know, will you? again, respect the no.
now you have 3 choices:
1) stay without kink;
2) cheat;
3) divorce.
none of them sound appealing but them's the honest truth. and i'm going to say, many kinksters don't do well with cheaters. so you may have to pay for it. just so you know.
5. what if she says 'maybe' or 'yes'?
ok. calm down. breathe. don't get super excited and ask her to do all the things. i mean, if you need to go into the other room to do a bit of a happy dance, by all means. but remember, this is a many conversation kind of conversation. progress together. maybe point her to some resources for her to do some research of her own (NOT porn, ok?).
start slow. was it a top you were after or an actual dominant? again, back to that knowing whether you're a bottom or a submissive. topping can be easier to explain. dominance...a little more tricky. so be aware, help her out and don't tell her how she should do things. submission is not the things you do; it's the mindset of wanting to serve the dominant. and how does she develop that desire for service and how do you learn to serve the way she desires you to? see? trickier than simple topping/bottoming. which is why, it's important to know what you're after before you go into this.
be open to how you're going to navigate this change in your relationship together. and be aware, there's going to be a lot of talking. like, a lot of talking. way more talking than doing. don't lose hope. you've got to be patient. and realize that you may require a third party to help you navigate the waters if you get stuck. that's not a bad thing. a kink friendly therapist can be a great buffer to talk about these things without putting crap on each other and turning it into a negative experience.
and what are you going to do if her fantasy of how this plays out, isn't your fantasy of what you want?!?! this can happen. compatibility in kink is super important. what if it turns out she is kinky but she's submissive, too? or she wants to practice kinks you're not into? if you haven't thought about that, you better. and don't be thinking that she can just turn that off. if you can't turn your kink off, why should she be able to? if you open pandora's box, be prepared that what comes out, may not be what you envisioned.
__________________
now i wish there was a winning formula for how to make this happen. but people are individuals and they are who they are and they like what they like.
you may not succeed in this venture. it doesn't mean it's not worth trying.
but i do believe in managing expectations. as the partner who wants the greatest change, you have to be willing to manage your expectations and understand that all the choices you make have consequences.
for myself, i couldn't live without d/s. so i have been bold. i have been brave. and i have failed.
but i have also persevered and had pretty good relationships b/c i knew what i wanted and wasn't willing to give up the things that were really really important to me. ultimately, it's up to you to decide how you want to live and what choices you want to make. i hope you make the best choices for you (and your partner) in the long run.
Jan 8, 2019
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