omg lesson#23 online conversations or 'playing catch'

now if you think back, was there ever a time you played catch? you know, someone throws you a ball, you catch it, and then throw it back? this is the perfect analogy for an online conversation. you've got to throw the first message and have something in there that:

• makes someone want to play catch with you;
• if they do decide to play, they have something to throw back;
• and you keep up the momentum by catching (reading the message) and throwing it back (responding by asking some questions).

honestly, an online conversation is really as basic as that.

keep in mind, since it's online, people can't see your body language, hear your tone, see you smile or frown. since you're limited to words on a screen, you have to really put all your energies into making those words work for you.

first off, know when to private message someone (lesson#). if you're approaching a domme on fet, i also have some more specific suggestions on writing a first message (lesson#1). so say you got that far, wrote a great first message - something not too long (3-4 lines) that explains:

• intro
• why you're writing
• invitation to respond
• a chill 'thanks for reading'

sample #1:

hi there,
i saw your post about x and didn't want to derail the thread. i've been curious about x and have been looking for resources on the topic and none of the groups on x here give realistic info. have you come across anything that you'd recommend i could learn from? i'd appreciate any suggestions. thanks.
myonlineusername

sample #2

hi,
my name is teddybear. i've read your profile and you've mentioned you're open to new subs or play partners and since we live in the same town and share some interests, i wondered if you'd consider chatting on here and maybe meeting for a coffee sometime if you like what you read? like you, i'm into dystopian fiction - have you read [author of dystopian fiction]? they've got a new trilogy out that's been really dark but has this really strong female character that i've been intrigued by.
hope to hear from you.
teddybear

what you'll notice in both samples is that all 4 elements for a clear first message are covered. you've 'tossed the ball' with an invitation to play 'catch'.

if you get someone to respond, what now!?!??

first off, don't panic. you've jumped the first and hardest hurdle - getting noticed and getting a response. now don't blow it...

1. pay attention to what they say & ask questions

lay off the kink and follow the direction they've led the conversation in. if they've answered your question...follow along on that topic. don't get needy and expect them to teach you all about a given topic. maybe visit one or two resources they suggested and tell them you were able to check in with x and y and found them helpful b/c _________.

then ask a follow up question, maybe about themselves. do not ask questions answered in their fucking profile. doh! but questions that help you get to know them a bit better and shows interest in who they are, is a good start. and this is all predicated on the fact that you have a profile so they can check you out, too.

2. accept rejection gracefully.

accept that you may get a 'no thanks'. accept that it may take her a while to respond to you. accept that she may never respond to you.

she doesn't owe you anything and it's not personal. you did your best. that's all you can do. you can throw the ball. you can't force another person to catch it and throw it back. you'll just have to pick it up and find another person to try and play catch with.

3. now if they are continuing to respond, that's great!

continue to pay attention and engage and ask questions of your own. you can inject a little humour - but be careful as it's hard to convey tone over email. and watch the flirting - danger, will robinson, danger! - b/c you don't know how it will be received. let the woman flirt first if it's going to happen. follow her lead.

note: if you don't know how to flirt online, don't blunder in. you will lose someone with a stupid, what-you-thought-was-flirting and she read as vulgar/crude. unless you know how to flirt and flirt well, don't try it online. it takes a very deft hand and knowing a person well to try it.

finally, pay attention to past messages. don't make her repeat herself. demonstrate that she's warranted enough interest that you've paid attention to all her responses and not just the latest one. you have it all there in a single message thread to refer back to so this shouldn't be difficult.

4. be honest.

not that you have to give your full name, date of birth, and social insurance number. but as you're asking stuff about them, share a little of yourself. avoid the temptation to exaggerate or lie about stuff. if you're caught in a lie...it will not go well for you. so just don't, yeah?

if they share something like their fave band is the rolling stones and you loathe mick jagger, you can tell her you're more into bands like u2 and the clash. that's not a lie and gets you out of a potentially sticky situation when can't explain yourself as well as you could in person. a good follow up would be, 'what other bands do you like?' and 'why'? to help move the convo along.

5. don't be negative. don't be a wanker. don't move too fast.

don't say things that would be construed as being any of those things. just do not lead with your dick. do. not. do. it. that includes not leading with kink. let her do that if she wants to. 

6. don't push to go offline.

you can gently suggest it after a couple of messages if things seem to be heading in that direction. if they're not, don't. again, let her lead. if she's interested in meeting offline or continuing your convo offline, she'll suggest it.

7. lay off the agenda.

sometimes a great game of catch is just that and won't ever lead to a full on baseball game or whatever. catch is one of those things that helps you practice some skills. think about online convos as the same thing.

every time you get a chance to engage and have an exchange online, you get to practice your skills. if you get all defensive, you'll never learn. but if you take the time to practice your skills, you'll find it easier to write better messages and pay better attention to what the other person is telling you so that you can respond accordingly.

lastly, if she's playing 'catch' badly - giving you one or two word answers or not asking questions of you... - find someone else to play with. it's no fun playing catch with someone who doesn't know how, is it? and don't get all nasty about it. just pick up your ball and approach someone else. ok?

Mar 21, 2020