omg lesson#80: why kinksters are no better (or worse) than vanillas b/c we're all just people

i'm in a few online groups and i have posted often in them. and there's this common theme...well there's a few common themes but there's one that seems to transcend just about every group i'm in - this idea that kinksters are better, more evolved, more communicative, more consent focused, more sexually liberated and less judgemental, less misogynistic, less homophobic than their vanilla counterparts.

frankly, i think people are people. imperfect, quirky beings.

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but let's do a bit of a comparison, shall we? i mean, these are all my own observations and i didn't consult good ol' sydney university for the data on this stuff. just reading and posting and seeing people engage in real life and so on. take it for what you will...

kinksters are better than the 'nillas

ok, first i'm going to need a definition of what 'better' means. i gotta say though, i have not seen any halos or sets of horns around kinksters. i wouldn't demonize them but i also wouldn't give them sainthood. i've seen kinksters of all shapes and sizes and personality types. honestly, they haven't struck me as being any better or worse than vanilla people i meet. they share a lot of the same insecurities, vulnerabilities, wants and desires that vanilla people do - we want to be loved, accepted, seen, heard, valued and not be lonely, maligned or disrespected.

kinksters are more evolved than the 'nillas

so i'm going to use this definition to respond here: develop gradually, especially from a simple to a more complex form. again, not seeing how kinksters are more complex than vanillas. people are complex or simple. i've met some pretty simple kinksters. basic, what you see is what you get, kinds of folks. and i've seem some pretty complex and deep and impenetrable vanillas.

depth, substance, and complexity are just not unique to kinksters, sorry to say.

at the end of the day, kinky isn't about an evolution. it's about who you are inside. you can still be an ass hat and be a kinkster. you can still be a lovely person everyone warms to and be a kinkster. no different than the good and bad in vanilla land.

kinksters communicate better than the 'nillas

ok, lord love a duck. if you read the number of posts i read on here by people who have not learned to communicate with their partners, you would be running and screaming for the hills thinking that no kinkster knows how to communicate with anyone. ffs. communication is hard. talking about kink or sex or anything really that people have shame or embarrassment or insecurities about, is hard. sure, some kinksters are excellent communicators. some can teach a class (hell, i think they do about things like negotiation and consent). but then i know plenty of people in vanilla land who are excellent communicators as well. they have long happy marriages that are the envy of all around them.

being a kinkster does not endow you with superman like communication powers.

nope. no it does not. the desire to want to be a good communicator and putting in the work and being self aware and checking your ego and all that stuff that some people do, is what makes a good communicator. resting on your laurels and sitting on your little kink throne thinking you are the goddess' gift to communication is a joke. it takes work. being kinky does not equal good communicator. that shit is hard. and it's not better or worse in kinkland than vanilla land. trust me.

kinksters are more consent driven than the 'nillas

we talk a lot about consent in kink. that it's a cornerstone of the lifestyle/community/wiitwd...and yet, how many writings (if you read writings much) have you come across about consent violations and then lots of comments sharing personal stories of the same thing? and in the groups? oh my word. it's constant. a barrage of consent violations and examples of consent being violated without people realizing it.

i know quite a few men and a few women who have had their consent violated and have stayed silent - fearing reprisals; carrying the shame; feeling the stigma over being a victim; not wanting to admit it happened to them. sound familiar? it's what we hear from vanillas all the time. we don't always call it 'consent violation' - we call it assault, groping, inappropriate behaviour, etc. and both men and women stay quiet about it b/c of the very same reasons kinksters do. i would say, kinksters go more underground b/c kinky is not well understood in the vanilla world.

and people either want to honour and respect consent or they don't.

kinksters don't have the monopoly on honouring or violating consent. vanillas do the same damn thing. so for all us preaching and talking about it...we still kinda act like the vanillas when it comes to consent. now i'm not going to argue about predators and abusers - they are found on every side of the slash and those not a part of the slash lifestyle/community/what have you. predators and abusers are more likely drawn to bdsm b/c they think it affords them opportunities they wouldn't get in the vanilla world. but if we were more consent driven than the 'nillas, we wouldn't have so many stories that seem to be very similar to the consent issues in the vanilla world. yeah, we can't hang our hat on that one, sorry to say.

kinksters are more sexually liberated than 'nillas

now here, i am of 2 minds. women on here are fucking sexually liberated. omg. they inspire and scare the crap out of me in equal measure. i have never seen women own their sexuality like they sometimes do in kinkdom. it's really cool. and with that, i can see how i would observe a more sexually liberated culture than that of the vanilla women i know. although my vanilla friends are on the prudish side (as am i) so take that as you will. we don't talk about the graphic details of sex and i am told plenty of vanilla women do. i've just not experienced that.

however, so many men on fetlife approach sex in a transactional nature, that i see nothing different from their approach and that of the vanilla men i know. oh gosh, and do i have to say #notallmen? cause honestly, i'm not going there. it seems, sexually liberated means 'easy'. and i spend a good bit of time in groups trying to explain why kinky doesn't mean easy. a lot of women on here spend a lot of time explaining how kinky doesn't equal easy.

sexually liberated means approaching sex without shame; it's about approaching the satiation and satisfaction of your sexual desires without apology and without stigmatizing it and so on. that does not mean easy. and i suspect there are vanilla people out there who approach sex without shame; who look to satisfy their carnal lusts in healthy positive ways that have nothing to do with kink.

so jury's out on that one. i don't know that kinksters are more sexually liberated. i do know that women who come out as kinky are universally regarded by both kinksters and vanillas alike, as somehow easier and promiscuous. and i would say no. nope. all the nopes. owning your sexuality is not unique to kink. maybe a bit more prevalent from what i've read and seen. but not unique.

kinksters are less judgemental, less misogynistic and less homophobic than the 'nillas

ha ha ha ha ha ha. fuck, every other post in some group or another talks about kink shaming and how dare you kink shame me?!?!?!? the rants and endless OPs about judgemental kinky folks talking about 'one twue wayisms'. the naivete of people who say, 'i thought kinksters would not be so judgey for the things i want/like'. now mind you, most people, i see, don't kink shame. they do judge for poor, crass and inappropriate entitled behaviour. and in real life? oh yes, people are judgemental as fuck. there is no magical turn-off-your-judgement-about-people' key in every kinkster's toy box. people judge each other all the time - kinky and vanilla. sorry to disappoint you folks.

on the misogyny and i should add misandry, homophobia and transphobia - the things i read on here often make me sick to my stomach. and it's not the kinks that do that. it's the literal embodiment of the hate speech and rhetoric that dominates a fair number of regular posters i come across - either posting in groups, commenting on writings, or publishing writings of their own. just b/c you're a kinkster does not make you some how more enlightened about other people's differences. i read some pretty ugly shit on the daily and it's made doubly sad that so many kinksters seek tolerance and acceptance in kinkland. the uncensored hate may be more pronounced online, but it certainly exists in real life as well. kinksters can be every bit as hateful as their vanilla counterparts. don't fool yourself.

i think kinksters are different than vanillas in many ways. not better, not worse, just different.

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trying to make yourself feel better for being kinky may just be that puffing of the chest...or the desire to seek acceptance on your terms for being an outlier....or simply b/c you want to kick back on your kink throne and survey the vanillas with disdain and rancour b/c they are the 'default' in society.

i'd like us all to be better human beings...regardless of how kinky we are or not. choose to be more evolved, more enlightened, more communicative, less intolerant. and stop fucking comparing the two - they are just 2 sides of the same damn coin.

Apr 10, 2019