omg lesson#48: a note about cross dressers and cross dressing

it's funny (not the ha ha kind) that on a kink site like fetlife, there is quite a bit of kink shaming and rather unkind things to say about all kinds of kinks. it would be good to just say, your kink is not my kink and that's ok and leave it at that.

particularly for those who seek acceptance, kindness, and a wee bit of indulgence that they don't or can't seem to get, from the mainstream/vanilla world.

one of those kinks that seems to get a bad rap is cross dressing. or rather it gets lumped in with sissification or forced feminization.

leaving the latter 2 out, and focusing just on the cross dressing: i've spoken to many a cross dresser - in person, on fet, in vanilla situations, at kink events, in all kinds of places with all kinds of people - some who you would never suspect had a kinky bone in their body.

the one thing that pops up over and over again is their fear of being outed; or being scared to tell a partner; of going through a pattern of throwing all their feminine clothes away only to buy more later. it seems sad to me that anyone should feel bad about their kinks or be made to feel bad about their kinks when their general behaviour and demeanour is nothing short of respectful, considerate, and/or thoughtful.

why is cross dressing such a shameful thing to those who like it? it seems a rather innocuous kink at best. and a fun one to indulge every once in awhile. (but then i do like to dress up people if they let me:)

frankly, i've usually liked the cross dressers that i've known. i like pretty clothes and pretty shoes. and if a man likes pretty clothes and pretty shoes, i don't see the harm. i don't see the weirdness. i don't see the need for any shame. now, i do draw the line at a man wearing my clothes and my shoes...or anything pink in my presence :) but i digress....

i've liked the cross dressers i've known b/c i liked them as people first.

they were lovely people that i wanted to know. that they happened to be cross dressers didn't really change my opinion of them. i don't think it really factored in at all. and i wasn't in relationships with any of them.

now don't get me wrong. i'm sure there are cross dressers that are outright wankers and assholes. there are people deceiving themselves and others. there are people who lack self awareness and the ability to do the adult work it takes in figuring out their own shit. yes, there are people who disguise their desire for sissification, misogynistic ideas about women being inferior, weaker, and submissive, who want to be 'forced' to be something they really like, that hide behind the cross dressing kink. and that's maybe why so many women steer clear of anyone with this kink. b/c men have fucked it up for themselves by being dishonest. 

i've found, almost universally, women cite honesty in their top 3 with anyone they engage with. 

the other tricky bit is when hetero women have ended up with those who are not sure of their gender identity and have hidden behind the cross dressing label. i can't imagine what it's like to be born in a body that's assigned a gender when you don't feel right with that gender. and it's not my biz what genitals you have and how that matches/or doesn't match your gender identity. but i can understand the confusion, anger, and betrayal that could come from being with someone who said their cross dressing was just a 'kink' but actually was a gateway for their gender self expression. i'm a hetero woman. if someone i was in a relationship felt they could no longer identify as a man, that would break my heart. and i would feel deceived if they always told me they were a man. and i'd probably avoid relationships with anyone who cross dressed in future as a result.

lastly, b/c it's just a kink, it doesn't mean you're automatically submissive or a bottom either. it's just one of those kinks that kind of floats in the ether....and can be tricky to make work, even if i think it's fairly harmless. where does it 'fit' within bdsm, anyway? b/c someone who's dominant could like cross dressing, too. or a top. or a switch. or someone who doesn't give a fuck about power exchange at all. so where do cross dressers fit in the milieu of kink? tricksy that is. tricksy tricksy.

and that's just related to the kink side and doesn't go into the vanilla nature of gender as a social construct in society and how some people feel really uncomfortable when people do gender bending things. i happen to think nothing of it when a man is wearing nail polish or eye liner. in fact, i think it usually makes them look better, if i notice it at all. but i have heard people be totally scandalized by it. like real pearl clutching which i don't get but i think contributes to the worry and shame that so many male cross dressers carry with them especially when they have vanilla partners.

i can see the problematic issues that cross dressing can present and how those who just like to dress in women's clothing may find it hard to share that or find someone who's ok with it. 

the thing is, i don't like a person because of their fetish or kink. that may be interesting to know if i want to play with them. but i just like witty, funny people who think i'm awesome :) and if they happen to be cross dressers, well that's rather the cherry on the sundae...but that's just me and i know others may not feel the same. 

Aug 3, 2018