omg lesson#33: the trials of a female dominant

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some days, i am so fucking tired of being dismissed, being considered 'wrong', having my experiences invalidated, for simply being a woman. it happens more often than sometimes i even realize, in vanilla land. and i think the exhaustion grows the older i get. b/c at this point, with decades under my belt, nothing has changed. and it's a long weary road.

i feel like i'm always fighting this. fighting to be heard. fighting for the right to voice an opinion. fighting to be considered as person. fighting to be seen as valid. valued. just fighting. all the damn time.

and i can't fight the way men get to fight. 

b/c that will get me even less heard and less acknowledged and even more dismissed than i am already. i have to use softer words. gentler words. kinder words. more reasoned words.

don't be harsh, smg. don't be overly aggressive, smg. don't say what you're really thinking, smg. hold back, smg. don't be a bitch, smg. egos are fragile, smg. people can't hear those words, smg. watch what you say, smg. the limitations on how i can fight and when i can fight and where i can fight...sheer exhaustion.

but i can't stop fighting b/c the alternative is worse. and if it's this bad now...how much worse would the alternative be? fuckity fuck fuck.

as a female dominant, in kink...well all that noise? all those dismissals? all those denials of who i am as a person? don't lessen. if anything, they increase. the relentless dismissal of who i am, what i can want, how i can feel, what i can experience, hell, the legitimacy of a female dominant existing at all. b/c that's not 'natural' is it?

it may be as natural to me as breathing is. but try convincing people of that. and having them believe you.

and hey, most of the time i can deal b/c that's life, right? i'm not going to change the way the world works with a snap of my fingers (oh, if only that were true!). or by railing against the way things are. i can work on the incremental change. even if it only impacts my little tiny corner of the world i inhabit. and i can surround myself with the people who matter. who listen. who hear me. who i don't have to fight. those are a very small group people...but gosh they keep me sane. i can draw strength from their kindness, and validation and reassurance.

but some days, some days....it's a fucking trial. 

it's the easiest thing for me to be a female dominant b/c that's who i am. but to carve out a space for myself? to make my voice heard? and to be fucking acknowledged? it's a fucking trial.

when people talk about 24/7, i wonder if they are talking about this and not relationships. b/c it feels like a 24/7, 365 day a year fight to be who i am in this world. relationships are easy compared to justifying your existence. ffs.

Feb 14, 2019

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