omg lesson#32: why i don't have to submit to be a good domme...

there is a philosophy in kinkville that a good dom/me can't truly be a good dominant unless they've been a submissive first. from what i understand, this idea originates from "putting yourself in another's shoes" and being able to truly understand what it means to submit; to understand the trust and responsibility a sub places in the hands of a dominant; and to understand the "feeling" of submission.

in theory, that makes sense. and for those that have taken that journey and felt that submitting has made them a better dominant, that's great. i wouldn't dispute another's experience. we all come to kink in a myriad of ways and we evolve as people (both vanilla and kink) differently.

i just disagree with the notion that if one doesn't submit, one can't be a good dom/me. and here's why.

being submissive is not just "bottoming" for a certain kind of play. if i consent to being flogged or caned or being led by a leash, that doesn't mean i'm submitting. i'm just letting someone hurt me or control me. and fine, i may feel the kinds of pain i inflict on others. but please, don't for one second, believe that i will know what it means to submit. in fact, i think it's an insult to submissives for me to fake some kind of "submission" so that i can somehow pass a "test" to be a dom/me. imho, it cheapens what submissives offer to their dominants.

every time i have probed deep into a submissive's motivation and desire to serve and please me, i hear the same things: submission is a mindset. it's not just about "bottoming". it requires a strength of mind and will to just let go; to relinquish control; to place trust, body and will, in the hands of another; to agree to suffer for another's pleasure. it's who someone is at their core. they may not be submissive with just everyone. but it's what they want and long for - to be able to submit to someone who sparks and connects with them and who they can trust in this way. when they're able to submit with abandon and give up control, it's a pleasurable experience. they need it. they want it. it makes them happy.

let me be clear. giving up control, for me, is a certain kind of hell. 

i don't want to suffer for anyone's pleasure - that does not make me happy. in. any. way. pain does not give me pleasure. being able to submit to someone with abandon? complete unadulterated agony. i do not have a submissive mindset. i do not find relinquishing control freeing or relaxing. i neither want nor crave this.

so i'm not clear on how, by going through the motions, i will know what it means to be a submissive. how exactly will i replicate the feelings of submission, if i don't feel what a submissive does? if i don't share that mindset, how exactly is my pretending to submit (b/c i would be pretending), going to help me understand submission any better?

i can't replicate what a submissive goes through and put myself in "their shoes" by going through the mere actions they go through. 

i can't replicate that mindset. i am a dominant. in mind. in spirit. at my core. i was dominant before i was kinky. i am dominant in everything i do. i am happiest when i'm in control.

so how do i approach trying to be a good domme? b/c i certainly don't believe for a second that just b/c i'm dominant, that automatically entitles me to be a domme.

i listen to my submissives. i learn what it is that they desire in their submission. i learn about them. 

i ask a lot of questions. a lot. i want to get to know what motivates them. what scares them. what makes them happy. what their experiences have been...throughout their life. i pay attention. b/c i hold the responsibility and trust they are placing in me with great care.

i am a good domme b/c i care about my submissives. and i demonstrate that every time we play. it doesn't mean that i'm not sadistic as fuck...within the bounds we've negotiated :) yes, i hurt them. i hurt them the way i want. but i don't harm them. i work within consent. i respect limits. i am fierce about safety. i honour submissives as people. i am grateful for their submission.

i am a good domme. not perfect...there's always more to learn and i can always do better. but i don't need to have submitted to be a good dominant. and those that think that's the only way to true dominance? they can kindly....fuck off. thank you.

Aug 6, 2017