omg lesson#27: why some people get defensive when you say bdsm is all about sex...

sometimes kinky play can be as erotic as going to the gym or playing a sport is to me. it's adrenaline pumping. it's physical. it's exhausting. it's fun. and not the least bit sexual. i don't get aroused. i don't feel all turned on. i'm not even thinking about anything remotely sexual.

crazy, i know, right?

and for some people, bdsm and sex are inextricably linked. everything kink related that they do....is charged with something sexual. even if the play doesn't lead to sex, they are thinking sexual thoughts. erotic thoughts. for them, everything bdsm and kink and fetish is only sexual.

and that's cool. nothing wrong with that.

here's where i get a wee bit....pissed off...

when other kinksters tell me that all kink is sexual and therefore it must be sexual for me when i play and i'm just in denial about it. or that, my narrow vision of sexual is simply penis in vagina sex so that i don't know what a sexual thought is, or arousal is, or that i'm some kind of idiot b/c i don't know what leads me to think about sex, be aroused, or what eroticism is.

um, yeah, sparky, i know what all that shit is. i really do. b/c it doesn't take me much to get turned on when i'm with the right person. i can just think about my person and he is very much eroticized. i'm all over him like white on rice. i'm all about the sex with him. and sometimes i get some kinky play with him and that is totally sexual. hot as fuck.

but i don't feel that way, i don't think that way, and i don't get that way with everyone i play with. b/c kink is not inherently sexual for me.

i play with women even though i'm entirely straight and have no desire to get with them. i'll play with any gender - if i like you, i'm usually open to playing with you. just like, when i like people in sport, i'm open to playing a game with them. having them on my team. or going to the gym with them and working out together. zero sexual chemistry. zero sexual thoughts. zero arousal. zero eroticism. dry as the fucking sahara desert. it's just an activity we get to do together with someone i like.

and here's the thing. those who engage in non sexual kinky play and talk about it, absolutely make room for those who think all kinky play is sexual. we understand, for you, it might absolutely be that way. it's erotic, it's sexually charged, etc. bdsm is inherently sexual for you and we're cool with that. i know plenty of kinksters just like that. we don't think you're in denial, or stupid, or don't know yourself.

we accept that's the way you feel and think.

but i gotta say, it's always the ones who think all kink is all sexual, that deny us non sexual kinksters, the right to even exist. we're delusional. we're in denial. we have a narrowly defined construct of what constitutes sex. we're invalidated and condescended to.

#notallkinksters.

and you know, when the majority tells the minority that we're not real, we're invalid, we don't belong in kink, that we're an aberration, that we don't actually know ourselves? the minority gets a wee bit pissed off in having to defend our existence.

so sparky, that's exactly why we non sexual kinksters seem angry and defensive when we have to defend our right to exist and be...to the 3,768th kinkster who's told us we're wrong about what we like and how kink works for us.

we don't question your right to exist and be a sexual kinkster. do us the favour of extending that same courtesy to those who feel differently about sex and kink. or better yet, maybe shut the fuck up in talking about shit you don't know and are too close minded to understand. limit yourself to talking about yourself and those you're intimately involved with. that would be great. ok? thanks.

Nov 29, 2019