omg lesson #60...play time vs real time

kinky play can be a fantastic aspect of a relationship. there's oodles of ways you can play...it's just a matter of your imagination and what you've got available and on hand.

but kinky play is not a 24/7 endeavour.

1. no one, NO ONE, can play 24/7. it's lovely to fantasize about, don't get me wrong. but it's not realistic. can you have sex 24/7 in your relationships? think about it. as much as i am fond of that thought, i know that i can't. i might want to. i might really really want to. but i can't. and there's nothing wrong with wanting it 24/7...as long as you know that it's not practical and you don't hinge your entire ask in a relationship around that.

you and i are realists. well i am and you need to get on board with what i'm saying here. b/c being unreasonable is not the way to maintain a healthy relationship. just sayin'... 

2. the second thing you need to realize, if you haven't already, is that as fun as play time can be and as desired, it's not always the right time. your partner might not be in the mood. or one of you is tired. or work/kids/life gets in the way. we can all ask for what we want but don't whine; don't constantly ask; don't make it all about me, me, me. as mature adults, we respect the answer our partner gives us and talk about our needs and wants respectfully. right?

much like when it comes to sex. a 'no' is a no. not a reason to hound, nag or whine needlessly just to get your way.

3. that is not to say that when 'no' becomes the always answer and not the sometimes answer, you can't talk about it. i think talking about it, when it becomes a pattern or you are feeling neglected or resentful or feeling unloved, is a good thing. and it's not a conversation trying to get the kinky play in that moment. it's about understanding what role kinky play has in your relationship and what role you'd like it to play in your relationship. it's a clothes on, put the toys away, talk between equals in a relationship, kind of talk. and there is nothing wrong with that - done respectfully and without blame or judgement.

asking to be caged or locked up or placed into bondage 24/7 is a notion that just cannot be accommodated in a long term relationship. and that's ok. it's also ok, to fantasize about that kind of thing. it's ok to incorporate the feelings you are going for with that kind of fantasy.

for instance...you could do it as a weekend thing. you could do it for a 24 hour period or even an 8 hour period if both partners are willing. it's the experiences we are often looking for when it comes to play - the sensations, the feelings, all that jazz. so the fantasy is not good or bad. it's about getting down to why the fantasy is something that arouses or attracts you and distilling it into a workable idea. or, alternatively, it's a fantasy that can just stay a fantasy and that's cool, too.

4. this is probably way up there along with #1 and #2 is...being understanding of compatible kinks. do you hate bondage and your partner loves it? that's not an insurmountable problem if your partner is ok playing with someone else who is compatible with their kinks...and you are ok with them playing with other people, too. so while we talk about liking the person as a human being and getting along regarding long term, 24/7 kinds of relationships...you do need to figure out a way where your kinks can be satisfied as well. it's just another area of compatibility.

and keep in mind, there may be no one out there who is going to be compatible 100% of the time. like all relationships, vanilla and kinky, we make compromises. i know that doesn't particularly sound sexy and hot...but hey, when you figure it out...it allows for the sexy and hot to happen :)

5. lastly, understand that most d/s relationships that are 24/7 relationships include a lot of boring vanilla stuff like making meals, doing laundry, working, child rearing, family obligations, etc. you know, the life stuff. you can make that kind of thing hot by incorporating those little frissons on d/s by whispering an order in his ear or kneeling a little longer than necessary to pick up the fork she just dropped :) but kinky play is the fun part. the rest of the relationship is real life stuff that we all gotta do as competent adults. we play when we can. we life most of the time. 

so be realistic. don't be so rigid in the ideas of what a 24/7 will be or is. b/c when you find the person you actually want to spend that kind of time with, you sort out what that will look like together. 

and no, it won't be you locked in a cage 24/7 b/c it's neither realistic, nor fun for a dominant, in any way. and it won't be as much fun for you as you think. it gets boring, fast. but that feeling of being locked up at any time can be achieved with a little ingenuity and a general regard for each other's well being and happiness. which means the practicalities of the relationship come first...making the kinky play possible. imho.

Dec 8, 2018