omg lesson #50: the basics of an s&m scene: smg style

i am sometimes asked how i plan a scene. b/c i like to plan. i'm pretty weird. i like control and protocol. and i'm a sadist. and some people think sadists don't plan anything. that we just like to use hitty things on people. and anything can be a hitty thing.

now while anything can be a hitty thing, my scenes are little more sophisticated than that. seriously, have you not read anything i've written? lol.

now mind you, sometimes there are more informal types of play i may do with someone i like and know and there's something very specific we both enjoy. trampling comes to mind. or a bit of foot worship. those aren't full on scenes per se. i don't do a lot of planning for those. i just know what i want to do and will negotiate that prior.

what i'm talking about specifically, here, is when i have a 2 hour scene or longer planned, for private play, where i get to control all the variables. or at least i like to think i can control all the variables...

there are variations on this depending on how fucked up i want to get with someone. i've done breath play and interrogations and predicaments. those require a lot more...work and in some cases a lot more prep and time and so on. i don't want to go into those for the basics of s&m play. think of this as the 'beginner' level pain scene for me and then we can work our way up...

now first things first, if you can't handle bondage and blindfolds, we can't play. i still might think you're a cool person. but i'm not going to scene with you. if you're a brat and aren't into obedience? yeah, we're never going to play. if every scene you do has to include an element of sex? then we're not going to play. but aside from that, if you like pain, we might get along fabulously.

NEGOTIATION

for a scene, i negotiate well in advance. b/c i need planning time. normally, in my negotiations, i'm after what kind of 'feeling' you're after. i already know your hard and soft limits b/c, you know, we talk and have talked. at some length. so i don't need to ask about those. those are understood...unless you bring something up that is new you want to explore where you didn't want to before. but we're doing the basics so - hard limits and soft limits i don't touch. i don't even peek at. limits means off limits, to me.

• so the feeling. what's the feeling you're after? what did you think has been missing in play before? what's the journey you want to take? what's been going on in your head lately? seen any scenes that have inspired you and made you feel things you'd like to feel again?

• based on how well i know you, and i should know you pretty well at this point since i'm planning a scene with you, i'm going to take what you've told me and plan my scene. i don't often share what's going to happen - you might have hints from the preparation you'll need to do but you won't know exactly.

PREPARATION

with my kinks, i like a bit of protocol and ritual. there are rules - maybe about 3-5 - that i provide before hand. you're expected to memorize them and prepare yourself accordingly.

• i like to dictate outfit (i don't like random nudity), body positioning upon my arrival, eye restrictions (don't look me in the eye when we play), and no speaking unless spoken to. fairly simple stuff. i find little reminders like this in the lead up to play, put my partners in the right head space and build a wee bit of anticipation. it's kinda like an extension to the scene...before the scene happens.

• i pack my toy bag according to my plan. there may be extraneous stuff - i never know when i might need or want to change things up. and i like options. but the plan in my head determines what i'll bring and i always pack my safety bag for any scene. just so i know i have everything i need, in hand.

SETTING THE SCENE

sometimes i want music. if i do, i'll bring it. b/c i know what i want and i know what i have planned. if there's music, it's planned carefully for how i want the scene to go. no sense in letting you know that ahead of time. you might guess at things...and i want to leave you wondering. that's part of my fun :)

• lighting and room set up can usually be done ahead of time and set up as part of the preparation. depends on what i'm after. honestly, i've already scoped out the room, beforehand. i know how i'm going to use the space and the lighting is more for me, than you. which i'll explain shortly.

• i always expect my subs to put out all their toys in a specific area and laid out for me to play with if i wish. i may or may not. but their toys need to be laid out neatly and available to me. and they are dressed as i've instructed. and they greet me at the door as my rules outline.

• i also expect, upon arrival, that they'll take my toy bag that i've brought and set out my toys while i'm getting myself ready. all the toys i bring get laid out. again, neatly and near theirs. and they recite my 3-5 rules as they do this.

• for me, bondage/restraints/blindfolds are all really the setting of the 'scene' and not so much part of the scene. for others, this may be different. but for me, unless we're doing mummification (which often is the bulk of the scene itself), bondage and sensory dep are a means to an end for me. i kinda need it, to play. and if he's blindfolded...well no need to worry about the lighting for him. oh, and he gets a squeeze ball in each hand so he can drop it in lieu of being able to say a safe word if needed.

• keep in mind, honour bondage is a thing for me, too. if i tell you, you are not to move your arms till i say you can, that's honour bondage. it can test their limits and play with their minds. the only consequence of moving their arms, is i leave. no funishment, no beatings, no nothing. this kind of thing can be highly effective - it's a challenge to maintain that level of discipline. i don't do it all the time. but sometimes, it can be fun.

• and while they are thus trussed and bound...and likely gagged...i lay out my safety things, water, anything i might need for aftercare, etc. i don't rush. this is my time to get ready and go through the things i've planned, in my head. now i might mentally edit depending on how i think my sub is doing. and i'll adjust as things progress and i read my sub...but generally speaking, i'm mentally preparing myself for the scene i have planned.

it's at this point, my sub, who's bound and helpless and blindfolded, is often in his own head. they are anticipating, wondering, fearing, shaking, whatever. that's also part of setting the scene. it's a shame people don't take more advantage of this kind of mental play. but i digress...

THE SCRIPT

i don't have one. for some scenes, i say almost nothing. it may be only to 'check in' when i'm doing some heavy impact. sometimes, i just let the music run in the background and carry out my scene methodically and without needing to say anything. sometimes, i hum. and no, i never sing. although, i could use that during a torture scene at some point...mmm....

• sometimes, i'm in a humorous mood. and everything makes me giggle. and i'll tell them why i'm giggling. sometimes, if i invite banter and don't gag them, they can be a smart ass and make me laugh while we play. still not scripted. but still kind of a running commentary on what i'm doing and why their reactions are funny. that kind of thing.

• sometimes, i'm in a mood that's unrelentingly demanding. i'll whisper 'can you take a little more?' seductive, pushy, challenging...i want to hear them acquiesce to every painful slap, every sharp jab, every intense hit and kick. i want them to want it and to tell me they want it.

• screaming is good. not really scripted. but i like a little bit of man screaming. that's fun. not showy, inauthentic crap. i want them to bear it stoically till they can't anymore. when i elicit a scream after they've held it in and absorbed all the pain they can as quietly as they can, well, that's soooo rewarding. yes, please. oh and man tears. those are a little harder to come by. even more valued by this sadist. just sayin'...

but again, not scripted.

• i know some people do script to help themselves out. i once thought i would need scripts just so i was prepared. but i've found it limiting. and honestly, if you want to talk and don't know what to say, just start by doing a running commentary on what you're doing and pose and answer your own questions. they are gagged after all. what are they going to say except for 'mhmmhhmh'?

so for instance:

'i've just picked up the black crop. you know the one. the one with that sting that makes you jump? yes, that one. [hit 1]. oh, did that hurt? i hardly think i put any real effort into that one. maybe i should try again? [hit 2]. did that feel a bit better? did it feel like i was putting in real effort? i think i can do better...'

and so on. it's not really difficult once you get into play. or is that just me?

anyhoo...the most i do have is a plan of what i'm going to do and figure out what i'm going to say, if anything, as i'm playing. see why gags come in handy? they can't say a fucking thing while you can say whatever you want. it really is quite convenient. oh, and double bonus, no 'topping from the bottom' nonsense.

WARMING UP

i know of few people who can just get hit really hard without any warm up. in the prep and set up, i've built anticipation and set the mood. and i'm ready to play. my body is ready to play. but it doesn't mean their body is ready to play right off the bat. that anticipation i've built? i could likely take a feather and run it along their toes, and they'd jump.

• that's from not rushing. from letting them play a mental game in their head...letting them imagine the worst. imagine what i might do. imagine what i have done in the past. their imagination is a tool in my sadistic arsenal. i like to use it.

• so now, when i actually get to the physical stuff, i need to calm things down and take it a bit gentler. that doesn't mean the warm up is all soft impacts and sensations. it's just i don't start off with the most hated toy in the bag. or with the hardest hit i can muster. i'm warming us both up for a physical scene. there's going to be highs and lows. no sense starting out high...then you have no where to go but low. so i read the body. i hit a bit harder where i know they are less sensitive and i hit lighter where it's really sensitive. i get them used to being hit. slowly but surely. settling them into having impact.

PLAY TIME!

my actual play is a mix of mind fuckery and impact. there might be some light humiliation if i want to indulge him. but it's not really my jam. i might go slow or i might go fast. i can surprisingly keep up a level of impact that's quite long and hard...if i want. but i usually like varying it. i'll check in but most of what i'm doing is watching their reactions. making sure they are coping. they are either getting into it, or fighting to endure it, or just in a position of accepting it. but i'm watching. i'm paying attention. i'm looking for the sweet spots. and if i'm just not getting us there? we take a pause, i take off the gag and we figure it out.

if it's just one kind of pain, all the time? boring. yawn.

• i'm a reaction junkie. so the reactions i'm trying to elicit are critical for me. if i told my subs the reactions i wanted in advance, well that would be...useless.

• instead, i am trying to take them on that journey they wanted to take. that they told me about. but in my own unique, depraved way. i'm getting them to feel what they wanted to feel...in a way that gets me off.

• and honestly, it's not all impact, all the time. c'mon. i have a willing man, who's bound and gagged, that i can do what i want to! there's cbt, there's nipple torture...hell, there's all kind of torture depending on what you've got in that toy bag. just sayin'...

• and that's why i ask about feeling and the journey. i don't want to be limited (other than by his limits, of course) in what i plan and how i want to play. b/c at the end of the day, i'm still playing for me. i might be indulging him...but i'm still playing for me.

COOL DOWN & AFTER CARE

every journey has to end. and i like to slowly adjust them to lighter play. less intense play...as i move into the cool down stage. i find every sub needs to adjust to coming to the end of play and abrupt doesn't end well. so i like to ease them into it. this includes more touching, more caressing, sometimes softer words...it just depends on what i had planned. but whatever it is, it is gradually lessening in intensity.

• it will also include slowly unrestraining them. this is a good time to use honour bondage. if i take off the physical restraints, i can get them to focus on maintaining that restraint mentally. usually, the blindfold is the last to go. and i tell them how well they did. we're not done just b/c i'm no longer playing with them. the scene is still going. i give them some water...ask them if they need anything else like something sweet.

• and then they need to clean and put all my toys away. the simple act of providing me with service and being able to take their time....allows them to process a bit and slow things down. it's kind of meditative. or not. but it does help to bring them into the present. they are focused on one thing. and that's to clean and put all my toys away.

• after that, they might have to give me a hand massage or a foot massage. it depends on how i'm feeling. and how i think they are coping. but i think giving them specific instructions which they can focus on without having to think, does help. or maybe that's just me liking to give orders and stuff :)

THE DEBRIEF

in any event, if i've planned it right, i've taken them on the journey and given them the feels they were looking for. i will sometimes debrief right after. but if it's been a particularly hard scene, i may debrief on email as i'm checking in. and i always check in after a scene. a few hours after. and the next day. just to make sure everything is ok. and to see if they'll send me pix of the bruises...cause c'mon, i'm still a sadist....

• usually the debrief is about what worked, what they really liked, what they didn't like, and more importantly - did i achieve what i set out to achieve? if i did it right, we both got what we wanted. and so far, fingers crossed, i've mostly succeeded. it helps to have good communicative partners who can describe what they want to feel and are able to give clear feedback without getting needy. i've been lucky to have had some really good partners :)

and i always debrief. it makes me a better player. and i always want to be better...

this was just an s&m scene. i'll continue on with other types of scenes i like to do eventually. stay tuned...

oh, and feel free to add comments about how you set your scenes and what you like as part of scenes you've done. i'm always looking for inspiration. and hopefully, this might inspire a few of you!

Jan 30, 2019