omg lesson #31...becoming a dominant

first off, i probably have a pretty controversial opinion on the whole, 'are dominants born or made?' fyi. i read at least a couple of threads a week from women wanting to 'learn' how to be dominant. or asking for pointers to be 'more' dominant.

and keep in mind being dominant in kink is different from the dominant personality trait.

there are plenty of dominant personalities who identify as subs or vanillas and everything in between.

dominant in kink is about control and authority.

here's the thing. and it's solely my opinion. whether you're born like this or socialized to it, the desire, the need, the drive to control and have authority over someone (in whatever areas you're able to negotiate) is the key factor in actually being dominant. you want the role of decision maker, or authority figure or having control over someone. that's it.

having authority has got to rock your world in some way.

if it doesn't...you're likely not dominant. and no amount of 'training' or 'coaching' or 'mentoring' is going to get you there. you need the spark. a spark can be nurtured. zero flame = zero material to work with.

that's not to say that someone can't be mentored/coached or learn to be an adequate top.

a perfectly serviceable and in same cases, an excellent, top. there's nothing wrong or lesser than, in being a top. it's just a different role. one that only you can decide that you wish to play. it's not 'graduating' to levels or rungs on a ladder. just a different role with different expectations.

topping skills - flogging, caning, whipping, rigger of rope, mummifiers of bodies...well that stuff, you can certainly learn to do. and if you enjoy topping, that's wonderful. ain't nothing wrong with that. take classes, learn the safety stuff, practice and invest in your skill set. cool beans. no power exchange, no authority transfer, none of that pesky d/s stuff.

and call yourself a top. and play some kinky play to your heart's desire. or maybe you're a sadist? either way, you can learn to be good at either of those roles. and several others, as well.

however, if you feel the inner dominant is there, but just needs a bit of a nudge or some cajoling, here are some resources for you. read them. take what works for you. what feels most comfortable and accessible.

b/c part of nurturing your inner domme is figuring out what your style of dominance is.

how you express your dominance? how you choose to exercise your authority? all the things in controlling a sub that gives you the feels? those are all things you can learn over time.

Oct 19, 2019